Ease

The condition of comfortable or relieved...

...Something I am usually not.

I have to admit I am a worrier. I worry about being late for things (it doesn't mean that I make it their on time). I worry about what others think of me. I worry about being enough, or doing enough. I sometimes worry that I don't say enough and other times I worry that I have said too much. I even worry about people worrying about me - surely they have better things to worry about right.

So the concept of ease is kind of something on the horizon for me. It's on my list of "somedays". I am not really sure why I have put it on that list. It's not like one of these days I am just going to wake up and all of those things that I find difficult or stressful those things that keep me from finding "ease" will just be one.

So here's my plan...start today. Today I an decide to stop worrying about one thing. I can decide to not focus on the difficult of one particular situation. I can live more simply. I can decide to let go of the things I can't control and even if its just for a brief moment I can have a feeling of "ease".

Day 3 - top 5

I am exercising my right to not post what I "should" be for this silly 30 day blog challenge but here's the deal... I have this little goal thingy in my head - I haven't really committed to it yet but I am getting closer 😄. Anyway, it has to do with positive thinking so starting a day off focusing on my top 5 pet peeves just seems like a contradiction to that. So instead here is a different top 5:

Top 5 things that make me happy:

Not in any particular order (probably not even the top 5 but 5 nonetheless)

1. Flannel sheets - even though I don't sleep in a bed there is just something so comforting about curling up under a flannel sheet.

2. My alarm clocks - yep that's plural. I have quite the collection and I currently set 3 different clocks to wake me up every morning. They are all different and after I get over the annoyance of it being time to wake up they make me smile. My favorite first thing laugh in the morning is when I am running to shut the alarm off in the bathroom before it wakes the whole house up. Because of my crazy sleeping habits I lock myself in my room every night to help me keep from sleep walking. So the race is always to get the bedroom door unlocked and make it to the clock before it gets to one particular setting that well lets just say its a little bit redneck. 😜

3. Black pepper popcorn. So I like pepper. A lot. Probably too much. On everything. Including my fruits. But...my world is now complete because two of my favorites have been combined. Black Pepper and popcorn what's not to love. Thank you Orville!

4. Have I done any good music video. Because I am on my phone right now and not my laptop and my brain is not quite functioning yet I am not going to frustrate myself by trying to post the video here, but I am kind of obsessed with this arrangement. It has been a mood changer on many occasions! How can you not be happy when hearing the fun-ness of this song. (you tube...Alex Boye & Carmen Rasmussen have I done any good)

5. The quite reminders...okay this one is in the top 5 for reals maybe even the top 2. You know those days when you just feel like giving up all together...so I might have had a few of those but I am always so grateful when in those dark and sad moments the sun comes up through the kindness of those around me. It shines in the sisters text, in the friends silly comments, on the buddy who takes time to be real with you. The sun shines in the small expression of gratitude, in the lifting of others. Those are my favorites - all those gentle reminders that no matter how much I think I am or want to be alone it's not happening cause there are some amazing people in my life.

Day 2 - In 10 years

Sadly enough if someone had asked me 10 years ago where I wanted to be today my answer would probably be pretty close to what it is now, well except 10 years ago I had an important piece of the puzzle that is now M.I.A.  but to avoid being a depressing blog lets get real here...Go ahead, kick off your shoes, lets have a "sharing circle" as some of my best and dearest friends like to call it.

10 years ago life was completely crazy - to save all of the drama of remembering we will just keep it simple and say my family was struggling.  We had tons of heartbreak in 2002.  I never thought I could ever be happy again.  I remember thinking that the sun was never going to shine again.  But surprisingly enough, I was able to see the sun again.  I remember during one extremely difficult time at the end of 2002 going for a drive and screaming at the top of my lungs to the heavens asking Heavenly Father to "cut it out"  - looking back I am pretty sure there was a lightening cloud directly over my head.  BUT - just like any kind and loving Father would do after my ranting and raving I don't think I will ever forget the feelings that I got after that moment.  And to "trifle not" lets just say I walked away from that crazy experience knowing that somehow someday every thing was going to be alright.  I knew that I had to be patient because that time might not be while I am on this earth, but I knew it would all work out.

And fast forward to 10 years after that...Here we are in 2012.  Some of those things that I was so worried about have worked out and are alright - better than I imagined.  For instance - I have been richly blessed by having a new sweet sister in law and a darling niece that I never would have imagined 10 years ago.  There have been many many tender mercies that I have received in the last 10 years that I never would have imagined.  But....it hasn't all been a sunshine and flowers.  There have still been days of profound sorrow and heartache, and still even days when I am pretty sure that sun is never going to shine again.  But I know something that I didn't know or rather didn't realize at the start of 2002.  It's going to be alright.  It really is.

One of my favorite methods of torture to my family when I was a little girl was watching the video "I'll build you a rainbow" over and over and over again on Sundays.  But now, today, those words mean so much to me and so often come to mind.  Not only is my Earthly Father up in heaven building rainbows to remind me of his love and watching over me, but just as He has always done I have a Heavenly Father who builds rainbows, heals hearts, gives me strength to make it through the daily doubts and fears...Fathers who are happy in Heaven watching over their little girl.

So looking forward to 10 years from now and where I want to be.  In 10 years I want to be able to look back at 2011 - 2012 and know that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is.  I want to be happy.  I want to know that there is a purpose for me here on this earth.  I want to know I am helping to lift someone else load and make the world a better place.  And in those 10 years I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have my lifelong dream come true - to have a couple of sweet little kiddos who call me mommy, with their Daddy who adores me and helps me find the strength to slay the dragons that may come.  A girl can dream can't she ?!?  But if not I still have the worlds favorite Aunt title to work towards, and that will keep me plenty busy.


Sorry....ranting...maybe I just need to make this private so you guys don't know just how crazy I really I am.

Day 1 - I understand

I Understand.  This is a phrase I have desperately tried to remove from my frequent vocabulary.  Especially when talking to other people about situations that they are going through.  I know we all have the best intentions when saying it to each other but there have been times when the inner devil in me wants to just argue with the kind person who has said it to me.

I heard it constantly when I was struggling with infertility.  The times that it stung the worst was when a sweet mother who was holding her fourth or fifth child would tell me "I understand" how hard it is for you to not be able to have children.  Really.  Because you know how hard it is to see loving moms adoring their children and knowing that for whatever reason you can't join them?

Another time when it has been repeated was when my Dad passed away.  I think that was the time I truly despised it.  Sweet kind people would come and tell me how they understood the pain I was feeling...

OKAY OKAY... This is not meant to be the bitter rantings of a crazy lady so I am going to stop and explain.  I am not trying to wrongfully judge those who have so kindly taken the time to express their concern for me or my situation.  Even though I just made it sound like I hated all of the well wishing and encouragement that came with all those "I understands" it's not true.  I feel extremely blessed by all of those who have taken their time to try to lift me up, to help me see that the sun will shine again in my life.  Here is my conclusion though:  We all feel differently, We all deal differently.  We all have different backgrounds, different Gethsemane's.  Because of this there is only one person who truly knows who truly understands exactly what we are going through.  Surely we all know something of loss, of heartache, of disappointment but I don't think there is anyway we can truly understand exactly how deep those heartaches are for each other.  All the while - how blessed we are - how blessed I am to be surrounded by those tender hearts who are willing to patiently wait as I try to understand just exactly the why's and what's of life.  I am grateful for those who understand that I don't want to be a human porcupine but sometimes it's safer and easier to push everyone away.  While I don't understand the reasons why I have been so blessed to have all of the wonderful blessings in my life-I remain grateful that I do.

30 day blog challenge - - - Take 750K

I know what you are thinking....Here we go again.... She is starting another one of those things where she might be really good for a couple of days and then she is going to forget all about it for about two months and then she will get on a big kick and start doing it again....  And to that I say...

Today is a brand new day and I have no clue, but I am going to try.

Crazily enough I actually like blogging.  It makes me feel like I am being an active participant in my life.  It makes me realize just how blessed I am.  It helps me to see that there is a bigger picture.  It helps me get things off my chest.  But... somehow just like everyone else sometimes I make it one of those things that I just can't seem to get in, and so I guilty avoid it, and everyone else's blogs that I love to read because I just can't seem to find any other time besides 3 am and that time is generally reserved for an hour of two of sleep or something like that.  So I apologize if you have missed my comments on your blogs.  It's not you, it's me.  I would love to promise that I am going to do better but I don't like to make promises I am not positive I can keep.  So instead, I will say again, I am going to try to be better.

Life has been CRAZY RIDICULOUS INSANE in the last few months.  There have been so many days that I am reminded that my emotions are truly a roller coaster - and not one of those fun ones that just do little ups and downs.  Nope - it's the Straight up to drop straight down like "Wicked" roller coaster at Lagoon, but it also includes some serious jerking motions like my least favorites "Mouse Trap".  And while I like roller coasters there are days when I feel like throwing the fit like the four year old inside of me and just saying "I don't want to ride anymore".  I get this determination that I am not going to get on the rides anymore only to find myself waiting in line a few minutes later.  But you guys all know what that is like right....Sure you do.  Go ahead and say it "Bec - you have no idea what a roller coaster ride even is"

There have been a few experiences that have happened in the last month that have kind of rocked my world, and maybe not in the best ways.  Surely they have sent to help me become a better person, but like most of the experiences I have been blessed with in the last year, I haven't allowed myself to see them that way like I should.  Somedays I feel like the grinch whose heart was two sizes too small.  Other days I am pretty sure there isn't even a heart in there at all ( whether there is a brain in my head has been in question for a while)

But tonight - Today actually I have had a sweet reminder that I have a loving and kind Heavenly Father who loves me, who knows me, who cares about me, and who is waiting for me to see just how much I need him.  Luckily for me He hasn't given up on me.  Even though I have given up on myself.  One of the only things I actually comprehend and understand from Isaih's teachings in the Book of Mormon is the times when he says "His arms are outstretched still".  I think about this a lot.  I often forget just how blessed I am that I have a Savior, a Redeemer, a Friend, a brother who patiently waits for me. There is such a lesson for me to learn from that.  Somedays I get so frustrated with people and the choices they make, but at the end of the day I look in the mirror to see that other people are probably thinking the same about me.  Luckily for all of us on all of our days good and bad "His arms are outstretched still"

Sorry that wasn't the post I was going to make, but it's what came out...probably because I needed it to. In my head I am singing "It's my blog and I'll write if I want to, write if I wan't to" - in my selfish little brat voice. Ha Ha.  But in all seriousness.  I am blessed.  I know it.  Someday I will live like I know it as well.  Hopefully the next 30 days will help me to realize just how blessed I truly am.

Calm - 7.30.12

Tonight there is not much that is calm in my life.

Work is crazy trying to get everything ready for next month plus taxes are due tomorrow. And the bosses are gone still.

My head is going a million miles a minute OVER ANALYZING a dumb mistake I made this week that has left me feeling about 2 inches tall.

My heart is a little bit sad because there are so many people hurting right now. And also because I might just want to be in a different phase in my life.

But among the craziness of it all I know that the calm will come. Eventually. I often use the expression "it's fine" but there are times like today when it isn't fine no matter how you spin it, it's just not fine, but it is going to be better:. This is just one of those storms, but parts of it will pass, others will never go away. It's just one of those times where God won't calm the storm but He will calm the child and give her strength to make it through. Better. Changed. Calmed.

Good day 7.9.12

Well, my everyday posts did so well didn't they! Or not! But it's a new day right! So here is the picture of the day, not because it is what I am supposed to be capturing (according to my Pintrest schedule) but because today was one of those good days that just happened that I need to remember.

The goodness might have happened when I actually made it to work on time this morning...it was a LONG/SHORT weekend and usually traveling kicks my trash but I beat it's fanny today ;)

There was a surprising panic attack text that made me a little sad, a little worried but in the end reminded me of two things. (1) sometimes (every time) there is a much better composer in my symphony called life. He can see the grand crescendo that my life is building up to when I think He is trying to just get me to stop playing. (2) I am really grateful for that, and sometimes you have to pray really hard for things. I had one of those lightbulb moments when I was talking to a good buddy about how sometime life forces us to do things we know we should but maybe aren't brave enough to do, and then a little later down the road you can see where you are in a much better place in life. It was a good moment.

Another good moment was when the bosses called me in for a meeting. (confession time, the last month I have been involved in kind of a huge deal project that has consumed most of my awake hours and other aspects of my work and life have suffered a little, so when they said they needed to talk to me my first thought was a little freak out that I had dropped the ball on something big) Can I just say once again, I work for some pretty good people. Yes, sometimes I am not sure what the heck they are thinking, but at the end of the day, it's one of those reassuring factors in my life. I am in the position I am supposed to be in, learning the skills I need to be right now for a specific purpose and even working for the people I work for and with.

Another good moment, when one of my co workers asked me what time I was leaving tonight and I spouted off a pretty unrealistic time but then she proceeded to get the exit crew in place. Thanks Jess, Mig & Ben for getting me out the door when I said I would. It was fun to actually come home from work with time to actually do something!

And lastly...because I have great friends who were once again ready to put me in the elevator and wheel me out to my car if necessary, I decided to it the rest of my work on hold and enjoy some time with a few of my favorite people in life before they flew back to Michigan tonight. And yes, my guts are regretting the choice of activity but to see the smiles on their faces and spend time with them I would eat 100 snow cones (and let's be honest, I could do it too...well until I threw them all up but still...I love snow cones)

So thank you....thank you for the good day, thank you Lisa & Hondo for the light bulb moment, thank you Dave & Andy for not firing me the 7000 times I have given you the opportunity, thank you Derek for allowing the most flexibility in a schedule a person could have ever thought possible, thank you Tayler, Jess, Katelyn, Mig and Ben for your listening ear and sometimes forceful caring. Thank you Cris, Mirra, Mason, Merrick, and Aunt Sandy for some quite time without work and the yummy snow cone.

I am one pretty stinkin lucky girl! (pretty used here only for emphasis of how lucky I am, not to be confused with my physical characteristics :))

Self portrait - July 1

So I am starting this again this month with a commitment to myself to do better. Last month was crazy ridiculous and sadly most of it passed with me working, but today is a brand new day and the beginning of a brand new month and who doesn't love that!

So here it is, my self portrait picture. One of the joys of my life is being able to be Aunt Bec. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. It makes me sad that I don't get to see them more often, and I wish I was better at keeping in contact with them. Thankfully for me little Miss Mo's parents trust me to baby sit her so I get to see her more often. We took this one day this week when we got to have a girls night in. Love the expression on her face!

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was a girl who had an amazing life.  One that she absolutely loved.  One where she was happy and involved in something else besides work...Unfortuantly I don't really know who that girl is...Ha Ha just kidding! 

I realized this week that I have missed all of the little things that I have done in the past.  I mean really missed them, but I am here to say I am NEVER going to have another week like that again.  EVER!! I know, I am a bit of a drama queen! 

But and foremost you need to understand something.  I LOVE MY JOB!  Really I do.  The people I work with are great, my boss's are great, the work is great, the hours, the location, it's all great.  Except for when it's not.  Except for when someone sends you a report that is COMPLETELY Wrong and you have to spend almost every waking second of your life trying to fix their mistakes by a crazy almost ridiclous deadline. 

But even with all of the craziness, this week had a really GREAT event!  One of greatest and best friends got married, and what a beautiful bride she was!  Because my boss's are really great they let me take the day off to be there. Although there was something that I am not really ready to talk about yet that happened, I was so glad that I was there and able to see her smile that day! 

Stacy's Reception
Two of my GREATEST and BEST Friends
Don't judge me, I had been awake for over 24 hours at this point! 

Stacy is one of those people that Heavenly Father knew I needed in my life and sent her at the exact time I needed her.  She was my first friend that I made in Utah, and has helped me through some of my very very darkest days in the last 5 years.  She is one of those people who aren't afraid to be honest with me, even when it isn't easy.  She has held my hand through the worst and encouraged me to be my best.  She is just amazing!!! And now she is married! 

Mr. & Mrs. Reynolds

I got to spend a little extra time just bieng still on Tuesday outside the temple.  I realized that I don't create enough of those expericences in my life.  Those moments where I can be still and Heavenly Father can talk to me.  But...I am going to do better at that.  After I get that down then maybe I can learn to not argue with what He tells me...line upon line right!

Another blessing of the week was spending some time with Lisa & Hondo.  They are great!  Amazingly great! More of those people...right time right place people.  I hope that someday I can have the kind of relationship that they have with someone. 

Lisa and I
After some sleep :)

Sadly though, this week there was also a really really really bad day.  One where I was so disspointed with myself. A day that I labeled myself as an EPIC.FAILURE. and it was completely true. To my bosses who didn't fire me, I owe you!  To all of my friends that I let down that day, I am so very sorry!  To all of those that stepped in to save the day, Thank you!  To the sweet janitor lady who came in and cleaned up the bathroom after I threw up EVERYWHERE, Bless you!  And to next week - I am looking forward to a good week! 

What Will I Do...

To say this week has been tough might be an understatment.  Maybe a huge one.  It's been hard for all of us I think - Us being my family.   The whole waterworks show started again every time I would log on to one of my least favorite places to see what my sisters had on their walls - Hannah and her silly shirt that I hope she always keeps - Heather missing Dad's help with a project she is doing - Shell had some really sweet pictures - I stole one of them from her. 

My Dad LOVED to cook...when it came to cooking in a dutch oven he was a master! 
He REALLY LOVED to cook breakfast for the hundreds of people every year at our family Reunion
I don't think that breakfast will EVER be the same, for anyone

 Several times this week in the middle of one of my many eye cleansing sessions I have had thoughts to remind me this isn't forever and with that came a small sense of comfort but as quickly as they would come my natural Bec - the one who just misses her Dad would start with the millions of questions.  Why - most of them all begin with why, but there were a few of the what's questions too...What do I need to start or stop doing so that this doesn't have to be forever, What would He tell me if He could call me on the phone, What will it be like to see him again...just to share a small few.

This week every one of my prayers have included something about asking to be able to feel the comfort of my Dad (Thanks Mig), and tonight I got a sweet text from a friend asking how I was doing and if I was going to be okay tomorrow (technically today right). When I told her I would make it through the day whether I wanted to or not she responded with another one of those comforting thoughts "I know your Dad is proud of you and is thinking about you as much as you think about and miss him. I am praying for you to feel him close" Isnt' it great when others are praying for what you think you need too.  Thank you Myndi.  I really appreciate all of you who are praying for us today. 

A few years ago for fathers day I got my Dad a picture that had the favorite quote:

This was how my Dad lived his life.  He didn't care about living in a mansion or driving a new car or the toys that others have.  My Dad cared about people.  He cared about his friends - regardless if they were in his 11 year old scout group or people he grew up with.  He cared about his family.  He cared about me. He wasn't perfect, we had our good share of fights and disagreements, and there were plenty of times when I didn't understand some of the things he did, but I always knew He loved me.  So, even if it is only my world - which I know it isn't - the world is a much better place because people were important to my Dad. 

 About 15 years (yikes) ago I heard a song that made me completely change some plans that I had been thinking.  You can think I am silly all you want, but bieng the planner that I am it was the song that I wanted to dance with my Dad to at my wedding.  That is the whole reason that I had one of the wierdest receptions and had a "program" at my reception was so that I could dance with my Dad to this song. 

And maybe it's not cool that I share this picture, because of the circumstances of everything, but if you don't think it's okay, just scroll down a little quickly. 

I wish I had the picture that was taken right after this to show here instead...It was a closeup of my Dad's face, I love it! 

Never had I imagined that the day that My dad would be gone would come so quickly into my life.  Every Day I still miss him, Every day I still have thoughts about calling him to ask him something, every day I still wish he was here to help me work my way through the latest mess I have created for myself (those seem to change daily).  But I am also trying to focus on becoming more like him focusing on the fact that no one was a stranger to my Dad, he would always talk to people wherever he went and when he was done with the conversation they usually felt like they had been talking to a friend.  That is something I want to be better about.  Working on it.  

So it's fathers day...Can I be too emotional and say - Don't take it for granted.  Those of you who still have your Dad's here, make sure they know how much you love them.  Someday you might have to experience your first fathers day without him - when all you want to do is call him up to tell him about your day, or a certain problem you need him to help you work through or simply just to say Hi.  You will wish you could send him that silly card that would make him smile.  You will want to just visit with him.

And to my sweet family: I often have to chuckle a little bit when I think of "He's Busy" ... Maybe that is because he is in a position where he can in some what communicate with some of his more stubborn children (I think I fall into that category - Stubborn that is).  I know that today will be a day of tears, and I say that is just fine.  But how lucky are we - lucky to know that we that promise of forever if we start living that way today.  We can do it...Dad's there helping us. 

“When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth,

they are not strangers,

but from the ranks of our kindred, friends, and fellow-beings and fellow-servants...

Our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters and friends who have passed away from this earth,

having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges,

may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again,

bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, or reproof and instruction,

to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh.”

(Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1970, pp. 435–36.)

Happy Fathers Day - Sending my love to heaven! 

Art-6.13.12

Wish I remembered this more often...Working on it! 

Maybe...just maybe

So I guess I need to apologize to you Anna for not keeping up with my daily posts, but after working 60+ hours last week I didn't have much time. So much for being an active participate in my life huh...

But back to today...

It's been a rough afternoon, a rough evening, a rough night. It seems like 8i just can't get these darn tears to stop. Driving home tonight I got a little chuckle in the mix of the tears my thought:

Maybe Dads up there giving his famous "boo hoo hoo" that he always used to make us laugh when we would cry in sad movies or just to lighten the mood.

And that led to -

Maybe he is shaking his head thinking pull it together Bec, if you could only see the whole picture you wouldn't be crying about this.

And that led to -

Maybe, just maybe he is some corner of Heaven looking down on his girls, missing them too, crying his own tears.

And maybe I am crazy! That is still up for debate, all I know is that I miss him tonight. Just like everyday.

Close Up - 6.4.12

any clue on what this might be.  Yes it is a close up of me!  

It would be a close up of the excessive glitter in my hair from Saturday night.

(Yes, I did wash my hair, 3 times after this)

(and yes, there is still a little bit of glitter in my hair)

So here is the story...If you ever do something WILD and CRAZY to try and make sure a very AMAZING group of young women know how special they are...and if that thing could ever pass as slightly funny...and if that person helps you to be the spitfire you really are...

...chances are you are going to get asked to do it (or at least dress up like that) again, and again, and again.

But we are getting better at it!  Well the dressing up for it anyway!  

Abby & Cadabby make an appearance at the Boy Scout Carnival
Supported by their dream fairy in training, Miss Blanche!

Scary Part of this particular night...They wanted me to paint faces.  Like carnival faces...I did okay, but there was some poor little boy that had a green line on his face that looked like a worm with teeth, posing as a crocodile that I feel really bad about!  

My favorite of the night was when we were kneeling down to have family prayer, I had just got home and hadn't had time to shower yet and my cousin Trevor who was visiting from California says

 "You CAN'T pray like that", 

but I did anyway!  

On my plate - 6.3.12

Literally because I don't even want to think of what is on my plate for next week.

I Love summer eating! I think I could live off of Salads and never get tired of it! Ever! I also love grilled food! Also eating in the back yard. All good things!

I know it's a full plate but it was fast Sunday - I think that deserves a pass on portion sizes!

Empty - 6.2.12

Empty Arms
Broken Hearts
Empty Today's
Promised Tomorrow's

Such a sweet memorial for a tiny man who touched so many lives without even taking a breath.

Morning 6.1.12

One of my favorite times of day is at 4:30 am. I love that it's a brand new day, usually without to many mistakes.

That hasn't been the case the last week. It might be because I have been working crazy crazy hours but still.

This picture served a reminder that sunrises still happen, even if my experience with mornings has been the small pictures on the sides. Unfortunately those are the times I am finally making it home from work.

Something Beautiful - 5.31.12

This morning was going to be great!  It had all the makings of a good morning, I woke up on time, and didn't even snooze through an hour.  I had some great thoughts and looked decent and was on time and was walking out the door when I got some pretty stinkin heartbreaking news, and there went the greatness of the day.  Someday's it just doesn't seem fair.  But, tonight I logged onto a least favorite place and saw this picture and my first thought was just that...Beautiful!

Copyright Richard K Webb

Beautiful to know that the sweet family in my prayers today have the promise of forever with their little boy.  Beautiful to know that I have that same promise if I start behaving myself.  Beautiful ... the ways he softens my stony heart and gives me hope.  Beautiful...The earthly reminders that we have to know that Heaven really isn't that far away.

My personality - 5.30.12

So I have decided I am bipolar...yep it's true! No if ands or butts about it. One second I am so OCD I can hardly stand and the next I could care less about anything. One second I could be yelling at someone and the next I am acting like we are best friends... Hour by hour, minute by minute I am going to be a little crazier!!

A # 5.29.12

Favorite time of day...when these four numbers line up just right!

Maybe it's just because it's fun to say its 11:11.

But probably more so because for that one minute the dreamer comes out an OF COURSE I have to make a wish that is SURELY going to come true. Someday. Soon. But if not...

Today's weather - 5.28.12

The weather couldn't have been any better today.

Thank you to all those who gave up their yesterday's, today's and tomorrow's so that I could enjoy mine.

Remembering my special veteran today

Something sweet - 5.27.12

Talk.done.finally.

Surprisingly enough I didn't say very many things that I prepared. And I cried. A lot.

The something sweet has actually been happening all week but was really evident today.

I have some really great friends, friends that are willing to cry with me. Friends that are willing to pray for me. Friends that smile at me when I am sad. Friends that make sure to come and give me amazing hugs. Friends who will be friends for life, even at four and nine years old. These two sweet little girls...I just love them! I hope that they know how much light they bring to my life.

Amy had called me earlier in the week to see how I was doing and while we are on the phone little miss Maggie asked her who she was talking to and when she told her it was me Maggie without even missing one single beat said "tell her my kids are praying for her". Of course that brought even more tears to both Amy and I. Simple, sweet truths that I do not doubt.

I know there Angels on both sides of the veil who visit me daily and help me get through moments that I don't think or don't know how I will make it on my own.  I am thankful for all of those who help me remember this sweet blessing.

D& C 84:88

 And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

Thanks to all those who quietly responded to my crazy random text for help and prayers.  I know that it was ONLY because of prayers that I made it through my talk today.  

ps...Sorry Kelsey, I stole these pictures off FB.  

12 O'clock - 5.26.12

A million other things that I could/should be doing but right now I need a break.  I am supposed to be giving a talk in in Sacrament meeting in 22 hours. And I can't stop crying.  I haven't really been able to stop all week.  I decided I was going to give it my best effort today but after reading and crying and watching and listening I have one quote.  That's it.  Nothing else is sounding right.

The subject: Overcoming grief through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Yep.

The tears are in part because of the sadness of remembering, and in part because of the gratitude of realizing.

I am struggling with exactly what to say without saying too much.  Do I talk about how there are days when I am so sure that I will see my Dad again and have such hope for that day, or do I talk about how there are days when I am positive the sun is no longer shining and I simply do not want to get out of bed.  Do I talk about how I know the Lord is very much aware of me and has prepared my heart for this time in my life or do I talk about how entirely alone I feel wishing for a small piece of comfort.

Praying for a parting of the clouds for wisdom. Hoping it shows up soon, I am sure that no matter how slow I read I can't make one quote stretch out for 10 minutes.

Unusual 5.25.12

I have been dying to wear my rain boots all week, just because they are cute and I love them. But, I think it is kind of silly to wear rain boots when it is 90 degrees and sunny outside. Maybe I should change my way of thinking because they are that cute but still...

This morning I woke up a tiny bit done with the day. I decided that I was going to take serious advantage of casual Friday. Me wearing shorts...not something you see often. Me wearing shorts to work...UNUSUAL!!!

But it worked out just fine...oh yeah back to the rain boots...I was so bummed to see that it was cloudy and kind of sprinkling when I left my house to go to work. Would have been a perfect day for the rain boots...I guess next time!

Something new 5.24.12

Had something else I was going to post about that was gonna be great, but this evening has been one of those so instead here you go.

New running gear. I don't know what closet fairy ate my summer gear but don't you worry. I got new stuff. What is that you say? Does it really glow in the dark?

Why yes, yes it does! It will be hard to miss me at night running now. I think maybe the goal was to let the the aliens know I was out of my house or something. The shirt is bright enough I am pretty sure they can see it from mars!

Technology 5.23.12

So technology and I, we have a love/hate relationship. Some days we love each other other days....well not so much. Unfortunately today was one of the not so much ones. It's hard to operate a business that is based on the telephone when your phones aren't working :)

But seriously...the things we can do now because of technology...it's CRAZY! The fact that I do more photo editing with my phone than with my computer. Crazy!! Crazy!!!

This picture is of the token I have to use to login to my banking accounts for work. The numbers change every minute no matter where you are. To me that is crazy that you can have a tiny little thing do what it needs to do! Mind boggling I tell you.

I saw a cartoon that I had to laugh at. It said something along the lines of being able to tell your grandkids that you were around before the Internet. True that!

More pink

I know I already posted for today, but I had to share this pink.

I kind of feel like I had a bomb dropped on me last night. A big one. One that I am not sure I am ready for. One that is going to continue to be hard. One that you might look and wonder why I am making such a big deal about it. But it is a big deal to me, and I am not sure I am ready to face it.

But I am going to.

A dear sweet friend sent me some beautiful flowers and a kind message to try and cheer me up. Love the arrangement but this flower just stood out above the rest.

Pink 5.22.12

Welcome to summer! You know what happens when you spend ALL DAY in the sun and you are so careful to put sun screen on the baby you are watching every two hours so she doesn't get burned and you never put ANY on yourself???

Your skin turns pink!

Please excuse my white skin, it's kind of gross how white I am!

Mail 5.21.12

Yay...okay, so this really isn't what the picture is supposed to be today, but frankly I am exercising my right to choose ;) so here is the substitute from one of the days I missed.

I love getting mail...when it's not all bills. Thank heavens for May! Bring on the happy mail!

I love graduation announcements. Actually I love most things with pictures. But...I really love that these two lovely ladies thought of me. I love the fun memories that we have with each other. These were two of my sweet young women who mean so so much to me. They are also two people who fit into that category of people who were in my life at exactly the moment I needed them. They helped me to learn to laugh again after being sad for a really long time. Noelle and Tamra, I don't think I will ever forget our late night donuts and apple cider. You girls are amazing! Thanks for laughing with me so many times. You are two of my favorite people ever. Don't ever forget it!

And who doesn't love getting a cute wedding announcement. Especially from this cute girl! I am so so excited to see her reception. I think Kelsey and her mom are two of the most creative people I know! Love this family! I hope Austin quickly realizes just how lucky he is! Yay for June weddings!

Something I can't live without - 5.20.12

I team teach the 12-15 year old Sunday School class with one of the best ladies I know.  She and I have been great friends and have done a lot of crazy things together.  I sure do love her!  But, sometimes I worry I flake on her to much.  It's probably because I do.  Like last Sunday when I was supposed to teach the lesson and I text her Sunday morning to tell her I sick and not be able to make it.  I felt so bad about it that I decided there was no way in China I was going to do that to her this week.  Even if I didn't feel good and had been sick again this morning (too much sun, not enough fluids or food make for a sick me).  But I made it to teach the lesson.  I walked in thinking this is going to be one of those lessons....The one's that everyone is going to just look at you and not say a word.  The one where all of the kids are going to be thinking, will this woman please just shut up. Well, I had just got started giving my speal about how if I ran out throwing up that Myndi would take over the lesson when the Sunday School President came in to ask her to go to some teacher development class.  So I didn't have a backup plan, but sweet little Amanda, one of my most favorite young women in the whole world said a really sweet prayer that I would make it through the lesson and that they would learn something.  Bless her!

So I get started with the lesson, and in walks Brother Someone, (not sure who he even is, but I am pretty sure he is in the Sunday School Presidency).  I LOVE TEACHING TEENAGERS, but I don't like teaching adults so much, and I am not really sure why, but this guy made me nervous.  Probably the biggest reason was because I had only looked at the lesson one time and that had been just a quick glance through to see what the lesson was on and if I needed to prepare anything special.  Not my best lesson!

Anyway, the lesson was on our Membership in the Church of Jesus Christ.  Isn't it amazing how when you are thinking about something there is a little parting of the clouds and an amen comes down.  Today lesson was a case in point... I had been thinking about the picture today "Something I can't live without" and as I was teaching that amen came.

I can't live without my testimony.  I have tried, trust me I have.  There have been several moments in the last year that I have thought I could just throw in the towel and be done with everything I knew.  But, it always comes back, usually full circle to that sweet reminder that I know better.  I can't live without the knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, and that He loves me enough to give me opportunities to grow and become a better person.  I can't live with the knowing that I have a kind and loving older brother who was willing and able to come live a cruel life and atone for my sins and pay my price to return to live with my Heavenly Father, and because of his atonement that I ALWAYS have someone who knows exactly what I am going through.  I can't live without the knowledge that Joseph Smith as a young man went into a grove asking a simple question and there He saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I can't live without knowing that President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God who leads the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today, and that He receives revelation directly from Heavenly Father.

And more importantly to me today... I can't live without the knowledge that Families can be forever and that because of everything else that I know as a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I know I will see my Dad again.  It's what keeps me going on the days I don't want to.  It is what gives me the desire to be a better person.  It is what gives me hope.  It is what gets me out of bed every morning. Today, I can't live without that.

A place I went today - 5.19.12

First of all...happy birthday to my sweet sister Heather Delyla! D I hope you know how much I love you! Wish I could be there to celebrate with you.

Next of all...todays picture. So I sell jewelry, kind of. Honestly haven't had the time to sell it as much as I want but still. Okay no long explanation tonight. Just getting to the point because I am falling asleep typo this!

Today I spent all day at a yard sale fund raiser for my wards youth conference. One of the best parts because her Mommy had to work and her Daddy was sick I had tons of cuddle time with miss Alex! Thanks Megan, Amy, Allison, Stacey, Jana and Amanda for all of your help with her. We spent most of the time with her sound asleep just like this picture. Loved every second of it!

I also remembered today just how much I LOVE LOVE working with teenagers. Such a great day!

Wish I was there and You were here.

Wishing I was home tonight. Somedays the distance from here to there might as well be the moon.

Thank you to all those who are there helping my Mom this weekend. I am sure there is at least one angel up there smiling down on you. In my mind he misses times like this. Times spent with his family, working together. I think he even misses arguing with Uncle Kim. Maybe...but He could be to busy doing his thing too. Or he could be thinking that He has a crazy daughter that is way to emotional and thinks about the things she has no clue about WAY TOO MUCH! Who knows!!

Tonight I just know that I am extremely blessed to have such a wonderful family and friends who are always so willing to serve. Whether its building a garage or siding a house or getting some sad people out of the house to enjoy a day sledding... They gladly do it. A great example for sure.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It means more to me than you know!

One more thing I know tonight..I miss my Dad...a lot. It's going to be one of those cry yourself to sleep nights. But hasn't science proven that tears are good for your skin? Maybe they are still working on that one.

Something I made 5.18.12

When I was home for a few days in march Kris an I decided to attempt to learn to make cinnamon rolls.

I (as normally happens) just had to spend some time playing with Gracie and the kids because I was leaving to go home the next day while Hannah and my Mom made the dough. But they really didn't need me, and let's be honest...I don't bake so I am pretty sure it was okay that I skipped that part.

When it came to the actually cinnamon rolls...well let's just say probably a better name do these would have been chocolate with a little tiny bit of bread and some cinnamon and butter. Our family (thank you Dad) likes chocolate chips instead of raisins in our cinnamon rolls and Kris and I might have went a little overboard on the amount we used...just a bit! But...they turned out divine, not big and beautiful like other cinnamon rolls other people I know and love make, but put chocolate with almost anything and I am going to scarf it down! (as a side note I will not eat limes dipped in chocolate again, they were not so good).

And Amy...you can be proud of me, I did remember from that one time in YW's when we made cinnamon rolls and you said to use dental floss to cut them...I remembered...we had the ...um...the best...um...we ha some really great cinnamon rolls that night!

Ps...this is another picture of me that you will see VERY FEW and far between...me. In.the.kitchen. And not because I was eating. It happens, not very often, but sometimes.

Snack 5.17.12

Oh my heck!!

Today the songs in my head were:

Giselle from Enchanted singing the happy working song (confession I might have wanted to turn some mean people into bugs today)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - thank you Kelly

And of course.... I'm trying to be like Jesus...(trying and failing the majority of the day)

But... It wasn't all bad ;) and to preface the explanation I just need to say that I thoroughly appreciate the people I work with and for. I absolutely LOVE that there are only 4 females that work in our office and we all get along well. LOVE IT!!!

And back to today's picture...and amazing co workers...dear sweet Miss Tayler (who is absolutely gorgeous inside an out) made a comment during one of the five seconds that I was away from my desk about how she needed chocolate...of course my automatic response....me too! So that sweet girl showed up at my desk less than three minutes later with a bag of peanut M&m's...they hit the spot! A great snack, even if I was way to busy to eat them until almost four hours later.

You know you work with great people when she starts sending you instant messages every 5 minutes to remind you that you haven't eaten lunch yet and when you finally decide that there is no possible way that you can take a break to get lunch she goes and gets it for you. Thanks again Tayler! You rock girly.

I need to learn to do nice things for her though...we decided we are going to a hostile takeover of the company and she is going to be the new CEO. Always good to be on the CEO's good side right? From the receptionist to the CEO...I feel really good about it!

What I am reading 5.16.12

I am not much of a reader. I was actually surprised when I realized I was reading this many books! But just to set the record straight there is only one of these that I read for more than 15 minutes at a time.

It's not that I don't like to read I usually just don't make the time for it.

Love 5.15.12

So I was going to do an ode to my car air freshener - which I do love but I had a humbling experience that changed my mind. I could list a bazillion things that I love right here right now but for the sake or your time I am just going to list one (ish)

I love that Heavenly Father knows me well enough to put the exact people I need in my life at exactly the right time. I love those people who fit this category...well most of them. - there might have been some of them that I prayed would get attacked by spiders but still... I love that they look past my imperfections and weaknesses to see a better person than the one I see looking back in the mirror at me. I love how patient they are with me. I love that they encourage me to do things I dont think I can, or may not want to do. I love that they don't give up on me, even when I give up on myself. I love that when I hurt or disappoint them they care enough about me to help me pick up the pieces and keep going...sometimes on a daily basis. I LOVE that they love me for me. Someday and hopefully that someday is soon I hope to Love me that way too.

This Lovely was sent to me by one of those sweet people I love tonight...it was a great treat to come home from work to find.

Thanks to you all for everything you do to help me love more.