Ease

The condition of comfortable or relieved...

...Something I am usually not.

I have to admit I am a worrier. I worry about being late for things (it doesn't mean that I make it their on time). I worry about what others think of me. I worry about being enough, or doing enough. I sometimes worry that I don't say enough and other times I worry that I have said too much. I even worry about people worrying about me - surely they have better things to worry about right.

So the concept of ease is kind of something on the horizon for me. It's on my list of "somedays". I am not really sure why I have put it on that list. It's not like one of these days I am just going to wake up and all of those things that I find difficult or stressful those things that keep me from finding "ease" will just be one.

So here's my plan...start today. Today I an decide to stop worrying about one thing. I can decide to not focus on the difficult of one particular situation. I can live more simply. I can decide to let go of the things I can't control and even if its just for a brief moment I can have a feeling of "ease".

Day 3 - top 5

I am exercising my right to not post what I "should" be for this silly 30 day blog challenge but here's the deal... I have this little goal thingy in my head - I haven't really committed to it yet but I am getting closer 😄. Anyway, it has to do with positive thinking so starting a day off focusing on my top 5 pet peeves just seems like a contradiction to that. So instead here is a different top 5:

Top 5 things that make me happy:

Not in any particular order (probably not even the top 5 but 5 nonetheless)

1. Flannel sheets - even though I don't sleep in a bed there is just something so comforting about curling up under a flannel sheet.

2. My alarm clocks - yep that's plural. I have quite the collection and I currently set 3 different clocks to wake me up every morning. They are all different and after I get over the annoyance of it being time to wake up they make me smile. My favorite first thing laugh in the morning is when I am running to shut the alarm off in the bathroom before it wakes the whole house up. Because of my crazy sleeping habits I lock myself in my room every night to help me keep from sleep walking. So the race is always to get the bedroom door unlocked and make it to the clock before it gets to one particular setting that well lets just say its a little bit redneck. 😜

3. Black pepper popcorn. So I like pepper. A lot. Probably too much. On everything. Including my fruits. But...my world is now complete because two of my favorites have been combined. Black Pepper and popcorn what's not to love. Thank you Orville!

4. Have I done any good music video. Because I am on my phone right now and not my laptop and my brain is not quite functioning yet I am not going to frustrate myself by trying to post the video here, but I am kind of obsessed with this arrangement. It has been a mood changer on many occasions! How can you not be happy when hearing the fun-ness of this song. (you tube...Alex Boye & Carmen Rasmussen have I done any good)

5. The quite reminders...okay this one is in the top 5 for reals maybe even the top 2. You know those days when you just feel like giving up all together...so I might have had a few of those but I am always so grateful when in those dark and sad moments the sun comes up through the kindness of those around me. It shines in the sisters text, in the friends silly comments, on the buddy who takes time to be real with you. The sun shines in the small expression of gratitude, in the lifting of others. Those are my favorites - all those gentle reminders that no matter how much I think I am or want to be alone it's not happening cause there are some amazing people in my life.

Day 2 - In 10 years

Sadly enough if someone had asked me 10 years ago where I wanted to be today my answer would probably be pretty close to what it is now, well except 10 years ago I had an important piece of the puzzle that is now M.I.A.  but to avoid being a depressing blog lets get real here...Go ahead, kick off your shoes, lets have a "sharing circle" as some of my best and dearest friends like to call it.

10 years ago life was completely crazy - to save all of the drama of remembering we will just keep it simple and say my family was struggling.  We had tons of heartbreak in 2002.  I never thought I could ever be happy again.  I remember thinking that the sun was never going to shine again.  But surprisingly enough, I was able to see the sun again.  I remember during one extremely difficult time at the end of 2002 going for a drive and screaming at the top of my lungs to the heavens asking Heavenly Father to "cut it out"  - looking back I am pretty sure there was a lightening cloud directly over my head.  BUT - just like any kind and loving Father would do after my ranting and raving I don't think I will ever forget the feelings that I got after that moment.  And to "trifle not" lets just say I walked away from that crazy experience knowing that somehow someday every thing was going to be alright.  I knew that I had to be patient because that time might not be while I am on this earth, but I knew it would all work out.

And fast forward to 10 years after that...Here we are in 2012.  Some of those things that I was so worried about have worked out and are alright - better than I imagined.  For instance - I have been richly blessed by having a new sweet sister in law and a darling niece that I never would have imagined 10 years ago.  There have been many many tender mercies that I have received in the last 10 years that I never would have imagined.  But....it hasn't all been a sunshine and flowers.  There have still been days of profound sorrow and heartache, and still even days when I am pretty sure that sun is never going to shine again.  But I know something that I didn't know or rather didn't realize at the start of 2002.  It's going to be alright.  It really is.

One of my favorite methods of torture to my family when I was a little girl was watching the video "I'll build you a rainbow" over and over and over again on Sundays.  But now, today, those words mean so much to me and so often come to mind.  Not only is my Earthly Father up in heaven building rainbows to remind me of his love and watching over me, but just as He has always done I have a Heavenly Father who builds rainbows, heals hearts, gives me strength to make it through the daily doubts and fears...Fathers who are happy in Heaven watching over their little girl.

So looking forward to 10 years from now and where I want to be.  In 10 years I want to be able to look back at 2011 - 2012 and know that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is.  I want to be happy.  I want to know that there is a purpose for me here on this earth.  I want to know I am helping to lift someone else load and make the world a better place.  And in those 10 years I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have my lifelong dream come true - to have a couple of sweet little kiddos who call me mommy, with their Daddy who adores me and helps me find the strength to slay the dragons that may come.  A girl can dream can't she ?!?  But if not I still have the worlds favorite Aunt title to work towards, and that will keep me plenty busy.


Sorry....ranting...maybe I just need to make this private so you guys don't know just how crazy I really I am.

Day 1 - I understand

I Understand.  This is a phrase I have desperately tried to remove from my frequent vocabulary.  Especially when talking to other people about situations that they are going through.  I know we all have the best intentions when saying it to each other but there have been times when the inner devil in me wants to just argue with the kind person who has said it to me.

I heard it constantly when I was struggling with infertility.  The times that it stung the worst was when a sweet mother who was holding her fourth or fifth child would tell me "I understand" how hard it is for you to not be able to have children.  Really.  Because you know how hard it is to see loving moms adoring their children and knowing that for whatever reason you can't join them?

Another time when it has been repeated was when my Dad passed away.  I think that was the time I truly despised it.  Sweet kind people would come and tell me how they understood the pain I was feeling...

OKAY OKAY... This is not meant to be the bitter rantings of a crazy lady so I am going to stop and explain.  I am not trying to wrongfully judge those who have so kindly taken the time to express their concern for me or my situation.  Even though I just made it sound like I hated all of the well wishing and encouragement that came with all those "I understands" it's not true.  I feel extremely blessed by all of those who have taken their time to try to lift me up, to help me see that the sun will shine again in my life.  Here is my conclusion though:  We all feel differently, We all deal differently.  We all have different backgrounds, different Gethsemane's.  Because of this there is only one person who truly knows who truly understands exactly what we are going through.  Surely we all know something of loss, of heartache, of disappointment but I don't think there is anyway we can truly understand exactly how deep those heartaches are for each other.  All the while - how blessed we are - how blessed I am to be surrounded by those tender hearts who are willing to patiently wait as I try to understand just exactly the why's and what's of life.  I am grateful for those who understand that I don't want to be a human porcupine but sometimes it's safer and easier to push everyone away.  While I don't understand the reasons why I have been so blessed to have all of the wonderful blessings in my life-I remain grateful that I do.

30 day blog challenge - - - Take 750K

I know what you are thinking....Here we go again.... She is starting another one of those things where she might be really good for a couple of days and then she is going to forget all about it for about two months and then she will get on a big kick and start doing it again....  And to that I say...

Today is a brand new day and I have no clue, but I am going to try.

Crazily enough I actually like blogging.  It makes me feel like I am being an active participant in my life.  It makes me realize just how blessed I am.  It helps me to see that there is a bigger picture.  It helps me get things off my chest.  But... somehow just like everyone else sometimes I make it one of those things that I just can't seem to get in, and so I guilty avoid it, and everyone else's blogs that I love to read because I just can't seem to find any other time besides 3 am and that time is generally reserved for an hour of two of sleep or something like that.  So I apologize if you have missed my comments on your blogs.  It's not you, it's me.  I would love to promise that I am going to do better but I don't like to make promises I am not positive I can keep.  So instead, I will say again, I am going to try to be better.

Life has been CRAZY RIDICULOUS INSANE in the last few months.  There have been so many days that I am reminded that my emotions are truly a roller coaster - and not one of those fun ones that just do little ups and downs.  Nope - it's the Straight up to drop straight down like "Wicked" roller coaster at Lagoon, but it also includes some serious jerking motions like my least favorites "Mouse Trap".  And while I like roller coasters there are days when I feel like throwing the fit like the four year old inside of me and just saying "I don't want to ride anymore".  I get this determination that I am not going to get on the rides anymore only to find myself waiting in line a few minutes later.  But you guys all know what that is like right....Sure you do.  Go ahead and say it "Bec - you have no idea what a roller coaster ride even is"

There have been a few experiences that have happened in the last month that have kind of rocked my world, and maybe not in the best ways.  Surely they have sent to help me become a better person, but like most of the experiences I have been blessed with in the last year, I haven't allowed myself to see them that way like I should.  Somedays I feel like the grinch whose heart was two sizes too small.  Other days I am pretty sure there isn't even a heart in there at all ( whether there is a brain in my head has been in question for a while)

But tonight - Today actually I have had a sweet reminder that I have a loving and kind Heavenly Father who loves me, who knows me, who cares about me, and who is waiting for me to see just how much I need him.  Luckily for me He hasn't given up on me.  Even though I have given up on myself.  One of the only things I actually comprehend and understand from Isaih's teachings in the Book of Mormon is the times when he says "His arms are outstretched still".  I think about this a lot.  I often forget just how blessed I am that I have a Savior, a Redeemer, a Friend, a brother who patiently waits for me. There is such a lesson for me to learn from that.  Somedays I get so frustrated with people and the choices they make, but at the end of the day I look in the mirror to see that other people are probably thinking the same about me.  Luckily for all of us on all of our days good and bad "His arms are outstretched still"

Sorry that wasn't the post I was going to make, but it's what came out...probably because I needed it to. In my head I am singing "It's my blog and I'll write if I want to, write if I wan't to" - in my selfish little brat voice. Ha Ha.  But in all seriousness.  I am blessed.  I know it.  Someday I will live like I know it as well.  Hopefully the next 30 days will help me to realize just how blessed I truly am.