I don't get it...

I don't get why there has to be letters in my math - when I was learning to count my mom never taught me 2x + 3y.  I also don't get why someone who wants to teach business and marketing to high school kids needs to take 3 science classes.  I don't get how the street lights know when I am running late - it seems they all turn red at the wrong time on those days.  I don't get people's metobolism... why is it that one person can eat a 27 course meal and not gain an ounce and others of us smell food and gain 5 pds.  I don't get how My mom always knew when I had done something wrong.  I don't get why I did not come with a built in filter - it would save me a lot of hassle, it seems like I am always pulling my foot out of my mouth.

Other things I don't get are how some women can walk away from their darling little children to pursue a less complicated life.   I don't get why some women who want so desperately to have kids can't seem to get them. I don't get how easily we can give up on the people we love.  I don't get how some of the guilty people always seem to get all the breaks.  I don't get why there has to be that one scene or one word in great movies that just ruin the whole thing just to get a rating.

Probably most importantly though... I don't get how after all of the terrible mean things I do and all of the mistakes I make on a daily basis I have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who still love me.  I don't get all of the particulars of the atonement but I am and will forever be grateful for the eternal blessings that have come to me because of that event.  What I do get is that My Heavenly Father Loves me, He hears my prayers, and that He cares and knows my heartbreaks.  How thankful I am for that!

a window into...

So here's the deal... I would consider myself a pretty private person - for the most part.  Part of that is because I like to think of myself as an fierce independent person who doesn't need anyone to worry about her.  Part of that is because there is a small (yet crazy) part that often feels like if people want to know they can ask and really who cares about the craziness that is me - ?!?!...Yikes - I just admitted that, but I am working on fixing both problems.

But today - - well today I am going to throw open the window of my life a little - go out on a limb - open up my sharing circle and give you a small glimpse into my life right now - feel free to leave this blog now, I am not sure exactly how interesting it may be...

Throughout my life I have lived in 7 different towns - including the one place I said I would NEVER EVER live.  I have had 10 real grown up jobs - some of them have been as fun as selling pigs and tires to the crazy Accountant/HR Manager/Customer Service Manager/Office Manager (Yes all of those at one time).

I have held the title of Daughter, Sister, Friend, Cousin, Aunt, Wife and then Ex-Wife (honestly forget these sometimes), Teacher, Queen of the neighborhood, meanest girl I have ever met, boss, and slave.  My Dad went Home a year and a half ago and I still miss him everyday - even though I know He is okay and Happy.

 I don't cry as much as some people think I should, and sometimes I think I am way to emotional for my own good.

 I have a strong dislike for fuzzy fruit (peaches, apricots....) and tomatoes but I love love love Chocolate.  I collect cookbooks but my cooking skills - well, my food board on pinterest is called "if only my cooking were edible".  Currently I live with family but spend a lot of time dreaming of how I am going to decorate my next home.

I have run a marathon in the past but the thought of walking around the block kind of makes me want to pass out.  I have been labeled by almost everyone who really knows me as a workaholic and am guilty of having no balance in my life. (working on this one...seriously working on it).  

I used to dream about teaching High school, and now I am completely satisfied teaching Sunday School to a group of great teenagers.  While I really like my current job my dream job would be to be an event planner.  I have felt like I could be a motivational speaker in the past, but sometimes get scared talking to people. 

 I love music - most types and I think I surprise most people when Techno music comes across my radio.  I am most happy when I see those around me happy.  I love taking naps.

I sometimes get sad because I may not get the opportunity to bear children in this life but feel extremely blessed when I have an abundance of "mothering" opportunities in my life. I am a control freak and struggle with OCD, but there have been times in the past where I had to bribe my siblings to come clean my house for me.  I have loved and been loved.

Although sometimes I get frustrated because my life hasn't turned out the way that I planned, I find peace in knowing that it is turning out exactly the way that my Heavenly Father planned.  And did I mention - I am pretty stinkin lucky!  Cause I am! 

Daring Myself

So it's been a while, a really long while since I have done anything on this here blog.  Sure I have wanted to, sure I have logged in a bazillion times to actually blog but obviously that hasn't happened.  I always thought that I needed to play this major game of catch up, but the truth of the matter is... well I can't, and I think subconsciously I might not want to.  Don't worry, the events of the last ...um way to many months have been recorded, just not here.  But moving forward...

I am a Huge fan of the LDS Author and speaker, Brad Wilcox, in several of his talks he describes a person who realizes that they have done something wrong and they say in frustration "I will never do that again", and then they do, and then they again say "I will never do that again" and then again they do...  Anyway, this cycle goes on and while the rest of the story doesn't really matter for this post that is kind of how I have felt about this blog.  I started this as a way for me to recognize and remember and share just how great my life is.  Just how many things are right in my world... Well at different times in the past I have decided to take those challenges, you know the ones..."30 days to a happier blog", "30 days to know yourself better blog" each time I started I would have this little pep talk with myself about how this time I was going to be better about it, and then just like the story above I would make it through the first day beautifully - the second day, well that is when it became a little more challenging.  To toot my own horn for 3 seconds I do think I made it through day 5 on one of those challenges, but it may have taken me 3 weeks to do it :)  Any who...

Today I am daring myself.... Daring myself to open my eyes again to all the GREATNESS that is every where in my life - because whether I chose to see it or not.  Life is good.  Really good.  I am daring myself to spend time focusing, changing, growing and becoming that person I want to be.  I am daring myself to be Awesome.  I am daring myself to be happy.  I am daring myself to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good aunt, a good friend. I am daring myself to not be afraid to be me.  Maybe you will see some of the fruits of those dares here, hopefully you will!

Ease

The condition of comfortable or relieved...

...Something I am usually not.

I have to admit I am a worrier. I worry about being late for things (it doesn't mean that I make it their on time). I worry about what others think of me. I worry about being enough, or doing enough. I sometimes worry that I don't say enough and other times I worry that I have said too much. I even worry about people worrying about me - surely they have better things to worry about right.

So the concept of ease is kind of something on the horizon for me. It's on my list of "somedays". I am not really sure why I have put it on that list. It's not like one of these days I am just going to wake up and all of those things that I find difficult or stressful those things that keep me from finding "ease" will just be one.

So here's my plan...start today. Today I an decide to stop worrying about one thing. I can decide to not focus on the difficult of one particular situation. I can live more simply. I can decide to let go of the things I can't control and even if its just for a brief moment I can have a feeling of "ease".

Day 3 - top 5

I am exercising my right to not post what I "should" be for this silly 30 day blog challenge but here's the deal... I have this little goal thingy in my head - I haven't really committed to it yet but I am getting closer 😄. Anyway, it has to do with positive thinking so starting a day off focusing on my top 5 pet peeves just seems like a contradiction to that. So instead here is a different top 5:

Top 5 things that make me happy:

Not in any particular order (probably not even the top 5 but 5 nonetheless)

1. Flannel sheets - even though I don't sleep in a bed there is just something so comforting about curling up under a flannel sheet.

2. My alarm clocks - yep that's plural. I have quite the collection and I currently set 3 different clocks to wake me up every morning. They are all different and after I get over the annoyance of it being time to wake up they make me smile. My favorite first thing laugh in the morning is when I am running to shut the alarm off in the bathroom before it wakes the whole house up. Because of my crazy sleeping habits I lock myself in my room every night to help me keep from sleep walking. So the race is always to get the bedroom door unlocked and make it to the clock before it gets to one particular setting that well lets just say its a little bit redneck. 😜

3. Black pepper popcorn. So I like pepper. A lot. Probably too much. On everything. Including my fruits. But...my world is now complete because two of my favorites have been combined. Black Pepper and popcorn what's not to love. Thank you Orville!

4. Have I done any good music video. Because I am on my phone right now and not my laptop and my brain is not quite functioning yet I am not going to frustrate myself by trying to post the video here, but I am kind of obsessed with this arrangement. It has been a mood changer on many occasions! How can you not be happy when hearing the fun-ness of this song. (you tube...Alex Boye & Carmen Rasmussen have I done any good)

5. The quite reminders...okay this one is in the top 5 for reals maybe even the top 2. You know those days when you just feel like giving up all together...so I might have had a few of those but I am always so grateful when in those dark and sad moments the sun comes up through the kindness of those around me. It shines in the sisters text, in the friends silly comments, on the buddy who takes time to be real with you. The sun shines in the small expression of gratitude, in the lifting of others. Those are my favorites - all those gentle reminders that no matter how much I think I am or want to be alone it's not happening cause there are some amazing people in my life.

Day 2 - In 10 years

Sadly enough if someone had asked me 10 years ago where I wanted to be today my answer would probably be pretty close to what it is now, well except 10 years ago I had an important piece of the puzzle that is now M.I.A.  but to avoid being a depressing blog lets get real here...Go ahead, kick off your shoes, lets have a "sharing circle" as some of my best and dearest friends like to call it.

10 years ago life was completely crazy - to save all of the drama of remembering we will just keep it simple and say my family was struggling.  We had tons of heartbreak in 2002.  I never thought I could ever be happy again.  I remember thinking that the sun was never going to shine again.  But surprisingly enough, I was able to see the sun again.  I remember during one extremely difficult time at the end of 2002 going for a drive and screaming at the top of my lungs to the heavens asking Heavenly Father to "cut it out"  - looking back I am pretty sure there was a lightening cloud directly over my head.  BUT - just like any kind and loving Father would do after my ranting and raving I don't think I will ever forget the feelings that I got after that moment.  And to "trifle not" lets just say I walked away from that crazy experience knowing that somehow someday every thing was going to be alright.  I knew that I had to be patient because that time might not be while I am on this earth, but I knew it would all work out.

And fast forward to 10 years after that...Here we are in 2012.  Some of those things that I was so worried about have worked out and are alright - better than I imagined.  For instance - I have been richly blessed by having a new sweet sister in law and a darling niece that I never would have imagined 10 years ago.  There have been many many tender mercies that I have received in the last 10 years that I never would have imagined.  But....it hasn't all been a sunshine and flowers.  There have still been days of profound sorrow and heartache, and still even days when I am pretty sure that sun is never going to shine again.  But I know something that I didn't know or rather didn't realize at the start of 2002.  It's going to be alright.  It really is.

One of my favorite methods of torture to my family when I was a little girl was watching the video "I'll build you a rainbow" over and over and over again on Sundays.  But now, today, those words mean so much to me and so often come to mind.  Not only is my Earthly Father up in heaven building rainbows to remind me of his love and watching over me, but just as He has always done I have a Heavenly Father who builds rainbows, heals hearts, gives me strength to make it through the daily doubts and fears...Fathers who are happy in Heaven watching over their little girl.

So looking forward to 10 years from now and where I want to be.  In 10 years I want to be able to look back at 2011 - 2012 and know that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is.  I want to be happy.  I want to know that there is a purpose for me here on this earth.  I want to know I am helping to lift someone else load and make the world a better place.  And in those 10 years I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have my lifelong dream come true - to have a couple of sweet little kiddos who call me mommy, with their Daddy who adores me and helps me find the strength to slay the dragons that may come.  A girl can dream can't she ?!?  But if not I still have the worlds favorite Aunt title to work towards, and that will keep me plenty busy.


Sorry....ranting...maybe I just need to make this private so you guys don't know just how crazy I really I am.

Day 1 - I understand

I Understand.  This is a phrase I have desperately tried to remove from my frequent vocabulary.  Especially when talking to other people about situations that they are going through.  I know we all have the best intentions when saying it to each other but there have been times when the inner devil in me wants to just argue with the kind person who has said it to me.

I heard it constantly when I was struggling with infertility.  The times that it stung the worst was when a sweet mother who was holding her fourth or fifth child would tell me "I understand" how hard it is for you to not be able to have children.  Really.  Because you know how hard it is to see loving moms adoring their children and knowing that for whatever reason you can't join them?

Another time when it has been repeated was when my Dad passed away.  I think that was the time I truly despised it.  Sweet kind people would come and tell me how they understood the pain I was feeling...

OKAY OKAY... This is not meant to be the bitter rantings of a crazy lady so I am going to stop and explain.  I am not trying to wrongfully judge those who have so kindly taken the time to express their concern for me or my situation.  Even though I just made it sound like I hated all of the well wishing and encouragement that came with all those "I understands" it's not true.  I feel extremely blessed by all of those who have taken their time to try to lift me up, to help me see that the sun will shine again in my life.  Here is my conclusion though:  We all feel differently, We all deal differently.  We all have different backgrounds, different Gethsemane's.  Because of this there is only one person who truly knows who truly understands exactly what we are going through.  Surely we all know something of loss, of heartache, of disappointment but I don't think there is anyway we can truly understand exactly how deep those heartaches are for each other.  All the while - how blessed we are - how blessed I am to be surrounded by those tender hearts who are willing to patiently wait as I try to understand just exactly the why's and what's of life.  I am grateful for those who understand that I don't want to be a human porcupine but sometimes it's safer and easier to push everyone away.  While I don't understand the reasons why I have been so blessed to have all of the wonderful blessings in my life-I remain grateful that I do.

30 day blog challenge - - - Take 750K

I know what you are thinking....Here we go again.... She is starting another one of those things where she might be really good for a couple of days and then she is going to forget all about it for about two months and then she will get on a big kick and start doing it again....  And to that I say...

Today is a brand new day and I have no clue, but I am going to try.

Crazily enough I actually like blogging.  It makes me feel like I am being an active participant in my life.  It makes me realize just how blessed I am.  It helps me to see that there is a bigger picture.  It helps me get things off my chest.  But... somehow just like everyone else sometimes I make it one of those things that I just can't seem to get in, and so I guilty avoid it, and everyone else's blogs that I love to read because I just can't seem to find any other time besides 3 am and that time is generally reserved for an hour of two of sleep or something like that.  So I apologize if you have missed my comments on your blogs.  It's not you, it's me.  I would love to promise that I am going to do better but I don't like to make promises I am not positive I can keep.  So instead, I will say again, I am going to try to be better.

Life has been CRAZY RIDICULOUS INSANE in the last few months.  There have been so many days that I am reminded that my emotions are truly a roller coaster - and not one of those fun ones that just do little ups and downs.  Nope - it's the Straight up to drop straight down like "Wicked" roller coaster at Lagoon, but it also includes some serious jerking motions like my least favorites "Mouse Trap".  And while I like roller coasters there are days when I feel like throwing the fit like the four year old inside of me and just saying "I don't want to ride anymore".  I get this determination that I am not going to get on the rides anymore only to find myself waiting in line a few minutes later.  But you guys all know what that is like right....Sure you do.  Go ahead and say it "Bec - you have no idea what a roller coaster ride even is"

There have been a few experiences that have happened in the last month that have kind of rocked my world, and maybe not in the best ways.  Surely they have sent to help me become a better person, but like most of the experiences I have been blessed with in the last year, I haven't allowed myself to see them that way like I should.  Somedays I feel like the grinch whose heart was two sizes too small.  Other days I am pretty sure there isn't even a heart in there at all ( whether there is a brain in my head has been in question for a while)

But tonight - Today actually I have had a sweet reminder that I have a loving and kind Heavenly Father who loves me, who knows me, who cares about me, and who is waiting for me to see just how much I need him.  Luckily for me He hasn't given up on me.  Even though I have given up on myself.  One of the only things I actually comprehend and understand from Isaih's teachings in the Book of Mormon is the times when he says "His arms are outstretched still".  I think about this a lot.  I often forget just how blessed I am that I have a Savior, a Redeemer, a Friend, a brother who patiently waits for me. There is such a lesson for me to learn from that.  Somedays I get so frustrated with people and the choices they make, but at the end of the day I look in the mirror to see that other people are probably thinking the same about me.  Luckily for all of us on all of our days good and bad "His arms are outstretched still"

Sorry that wasn't the post I was going to make, but it's what came out...probably because I needed it to. In my head I am singing "It's my blog and I'll write if I want to, write if I wan't to" - in my selfish little brat voice. Ha Ha.  But in all seriousness.  I am blessed.  I know it.  Someday I will live like I know it as well.  Hopefully the next 30 days will help me to realize just how blessed I truly am.

Calm - 7.30.12

Tonight there is not much that is calm in my life.

Work is crazy trying to get everything ready for next month plus taxes are due tomorrow. And the bosses are gone still.

My head is going a million miles a minute OVER ANALYZING a dumb mistake I made this week that has left me feeling about 2 inches tall.

My heart is a little bit sad because there are so many people hurting right now. And also because I might just want to be in a different phase in my life.

But among the craziness of it all I know that the calm will come. Eventually. I often use the expression "it's fine" but there are times like today when it isn't fine no matter how you spin it, it's just not fine, but it is going to be better:. This is just one of those storms, but parts of it will pass, others will never go away. It's just one of those times where God won't calm the storm but He will calm the child and give her strength to make it through. Better. Changed. Calmed.

Good day 7.9.12

Well, my everyday posts did so well didn't they! Or not! But it's a new day right! So here is the picture of the day, not because it is what I am supposed to be capturing (according to my Pintrest schedule) but because today was one of those good days that just happened that I need to remember.

The goodness might have happened when I actually made it to work on time this morning...it was a LONG/SHORT weekend and usually traveling kicks my trash but I beat it's fanny today ;)

There was a surprising panic attack text that made me a little sad, a little worried but in the end reminded me of two things. (1) sometimes (every time) there is a much better composer in my symphony called life. He can see the grand crescendo that my life is building up to when I think He is trying to just get me to stop playing. (2) I am really grateful for that, and sometimes you have to pray really hard for things. I had one of those lightbulb moments when I was talking to a good buddy about how sometime life forces us to do things we know we should but maybe aren't brave enough to do, and then a little later down the road you can see where you are in a much better place in life. It was a good moment.

Another good moment was when the bosses called me in for a meeting. (confession time, the last month I have been involved in kind of a huge deal project that has consumed most of my awake hours and other aspects of my work and life have suffered a little, so when they said they needed to talk to me my first thought was a little freak out that I had dropped the ball on something big) Can I just say once again, I work for some pretty good people. Yes, sometimes I am not sure what the heck they are thinking, but at the end of the day, it's one of those reassuring factors in my life. I am in the position I am supposed to be in, learning the skills I need to be right now for a specific purpose and even working for the people I work for and with.

Another good moment, when one of my co workers asked me what time I was leaving tonight and I spouted off a pretty unrealistic time but then she proceeded to get the exit crew in place. Thanks Jess, Mig & Ben for getting me out the door when I said I would. It was fun to actually come home from work with time to actually do something!

And lastly...because I have great friends who were once again ready to put me in the elevator and wheel me out to my car if necessary, I decided to it the rest of my work on hold and enjoy some time with a few of my favorite people in life before they flew back to Michigan tonight. And yes, my guts are regretting the choice of activity but to see the smiles on their faces and spend time with them I would eat 100 snow cones (and let's be honest, I could do it too...well until I threw them all up but still...I love snow cones)

So thank you....thank you for the good day, thank you Lisa & Hondo for the light bulb moment, thank you Dave & Andy for not firing me the 7000 times I have given you the opportunity, thank you Derek for allowing the most flexibility in a schedule a person could have ever thought possible, thank you Tayler, Jess, Katelyn, Mig and Ben for your listening ear and sometimes forceful caring. Thank you Cris, Mirra, Mason, Merrick, and Aunt Sandy for some quite time without work and the yummy snow cone.

I am one pretty stinkin lucky girl! (pretty used here only for emphasis of how lucky I am, not to be confused with my physical characteristics :))

Self portrait - July 1

So I am starting this again this month with a commitment to myself to do better. Last month was crazy ridiculous and sadly most of it passed with me working, but today is a brand new day and the beginning of a brand new month and who doesn't love that!

So here it is, my self portrait picture. One of the joys of my life is being able to be Aunt Bec. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. It makes me sad that I don't get to see them more often, and I wish I was better at keeping in contact with them. Thankfully for me little Miss Mo's parents trust me to baby sit her so I get to see her more often. We took this one day this week when we got to have a girls night in. Love the expression on her face!

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was a girl who had an amazing life.  One that she absolutely loved.  One where she was happy and involved in something else besides work...Unfortuantly I don't really know who that girl is...Ha Ha just kidding! 

I realized this week that I have missed all of the little things that I have done in the past.  I mean really missed them, but I am here to say I am NEVER going to have another week like that again.  EVER!! I know, I am a bit of a drama queen! 

But and foremost you need to understand something.  I LOVE MY JOB!  Really I do.  The people I work with are great, my boss's are great, the work is great, the hours, the location, it's all great.  Except for when it's not.  Except for when someone sends you a report that is COMPLETELY Wrong and you have to spend almost every waking second of your life trying to fix their mistakes by a crazy almost ridiclous deadline. 

But even with all of the craziness, this week had a really GREAT event!  One of greatest and best friends got married, and what a beautiful bride she was!  Because my boss's are really great they let me take the day off to be there. Although there was something that I am not really ready to talk about yet that happened, I was so glad that I was there and able to see her smile that day! 

Stacy's Reception
Two of my GREATEST and BEST Friends
Don't judge me, I had been awake for over 24 hours at this point! 

Stacy is one of those people that Heavenly Father knew I needed in my life and sent her at the exact time I needed her.  She was my first friend that I made in Utah, and has helped me through some of my very very darkest days in the last 5 years.  She is one of those people who aren't afraid to be honest with me, even when it isn't easy.  She has held my hand through the worst and encouraged me to be my best.  She is just amazing!!! And now she is married! 

Mr. & Mrs. Reynolds

I got to spend a little extra time just bieng still on Tuesday outside the temple.  I realized that I don't create enough of those expericences in my life.  Those moments where I can be still and Heavenly Father can talk to me.  But...I am going to do better at that.  After I get that down then maybe I can learn to not argue with what He tells me...line upon line right!

Another blessing of the week was spending some time with Lisa & Hondo.  They are great!  Amazingly great! More of those people...right time right place people.  I hope that someday I can have the kind of relationship that they have with someone. 

Lisa and I
After some sleep :)

Sadly though, this week there was also a really really really bad day.  One where I was so disspointed with myself. A day that I labeled myself as an EPIC.FAILURE. and it was completely true. To my bosses who didn't fire me, I owe you!  To all of my friends that I let down that day, I am so very sorry!  To all of those that stepped in to save the day, Thank you!  To the sweet janitor lady who came in and cleaned up the bathroom after I threw up EVERYWHERE, Bless you!  And to next week - I am looking forward to a good week! 

What Will I Do...

To say this week has been tough might be an understatment.  Maybe a huge one.  It's been hard for all of us I think - Us being my family.   The whole waterworks show started again every time I would log on to one of my least favorite places to see what my sisters had on their walls - Hannah and her silly shirt that I hope she always keeps - Heather missing Dad's help with a project she is doing - Shell had some really sweet pictures - I stole one of them from her. 

My Dad LOVED to cook...when it came to cooking in a dutch oven he was a master! 
He REALLY LOVED to cook breakfast for the hundreds of people every year at our family Reunion
I don't think that breakfast will EVER be the same, for anyone

 Several times this week in the middle of one of my many eye cleansing sessions I have had thoughts to remind me this isn't forever and with that came a small sense of comfort but as quickly as they would come my natural Bec - the one who just misses her Dad would start with the millions of questions.  Why - most of them all begin with why, but there were a few of the what's questions too...What do I need to start or stop doing so that this doesn't have to be forever, What would He tell me if He could call me on the phone, What will it be like to see him again...just to share a small few.

This week every one of my prayers have included something about asking to be able to feel the comfort of my Dad (Thanks Mig), and tonight I got a sweet text from a friend asking how I was doing and if I was going to be okay tomorrow (technically today right). When I told her I would make it through the day whether I wanted to or not she responded with another one of those comforting thoughts "I know your Dad is proud of you and is thinking about you as much as you think about and miss him. I am praying for you to feel him close" Isnt' it great when others are praying for what you think you need too.  Thank you Myndi.  I really appreciate all of you who are praying for us today. 

A few years ago for fathers day I got my Dad a picture that had the favorite quote:

This was how my Dad lived his life.  He didn't care about living in a mansion or driving a new car or the toys that others have.  My Dad cared about people.  He cared about his friends - regardless if they were in his 11 year old scout group or people he grew up with.  He cared about his family.  He cared about me. He wasn't perfect, we had our good share of fights and disagreements, and there were plenty of times when I didn't understand some of the things he did, but I always knew He loved me.  So, even if it is only my world - which I know it isn't - the world is a much better place because people were important to my Dad. 

 About 15 years (yikes) ago I heard a song that made me completely change some plans that I had been thinking.  You can think I am silly all you want, but bieng the planner that I am it was the song that I wanted to dance with my Dad to at my wedding.  That is the whole reason that I had one of the wierdest receptions and had a "program" at my reception was so that I could dance with my Dad to this song. 

And maybe it's not cool that I share this picture, because of the circumstances of everything, but if you don't think it's okay, just scroll down a little quickly. 

I wish I had the picture that was taken right after this to show here instead...It was a closeup of my Dad's face, I love it! 

Never had I imagined that the day that My dad would be gone would come so quickly into my life.  Every Day I still miss him, Every day I still have thoughts about calling him to ask him something, every day I still wish he was here to help me work my way through the latest mess I have created for myself (those seem to change daily).  But I am also trying to focus on becoming more like him focusing on the fact that no one was a stranger to my Dad, he would always talk to people wherever he went and when he was done with the conversation they usually felt like they had been talking to a friend.  That is something I want to be better about.  Working on it.  

So it's fathers day...Can I be too emotional and say - Don't take it for granted.  Those of you who still have your Dad's here, make sure they know how much you love them.  Someday you might have to experience your first fathers day without him - when all you want to do is call him up to tell him about your day, or a certain problem you need him to help you work through or simply just to say Hi.  You will wish you could send him that silly card that would make him smile.  You will want to just visit with him.

And to my sweet family: I often have to chuckle a little bit when I think of "He's Busy" ... Maybe that is because he is in a position where he can in some what communicate with some of his more stubborn children (I think I fall into that category - Stubborn that is).  I know that today will be a day of tears, and I say that is just fine.  But how lucky are we - lucky to know that we that promise of forever if we start living that way today.  We can do it...Dad's there helping us. 

“When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth,

they are not strangers,

but from the ranks of our kindred, friends, and fellow-beings and fellow-servants...

Our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters and friends who have passed away from this earth,

having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges,

may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again,

bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, or reproof and instruction,

to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh.”

(Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1970, pp. 435–36.)

Happy Fathers Day - Sending my love to heaven! 

Art-6.13.12

Wish I remembered this more often...Working on it! 

Maybe...just maybe

So I guess I need to apologize to you Anna for not keeping up with my daily posts, but after working 60+ hours last week I didn't have much time. So much for being an active participate in my life huh...

But back to today...

It's been a rough afternoon, a rough evening, a rough night. It seems like 8i just can't get these darn tears to stop. Driving home tonight I got a little chuckle in the mix of the tears my thought:

Maybe Dads up there giving his famous "boo hoo hoo" that he always used to make us laugh when we would cry in sad movies or just to lighten the mood.

And that led to -

Maybe he is shaking his head thinking pull it together Bec, if you could only see the whole picture you wouldn't be crying about this.

And that led to -

Maybe, just maybe he is some corner of Heaven looking down on his girls, missing them too, crying his own tears.

And maybe I am crazy! That is still up for debate, all I know is that I miss him tonight. Just like everyday.

Close Up - 6.4.12

any clue on what this might be.  Yes it is a close up of me!  

It would be a close up of the excessive glitter in my hair from Saturday night.

(Yes, I did wash my hair, 3 times after this)

(and yes, there is still a little bit of glitter in my hair)

So here is the story...If you ever do something WILD and CRAZY to try and make sure a very AMAZING group of young women know how special they are...and if that thing could ever pass as slightly funny...and if that person helps you to be the spitfire you really are...

...chances are you are going to get asked to do it (or at least dress up like that) again, and again, and again.

But we are getting better at it!  Well the dressing up for it anyway!  

Abby & Cadabby make an appearance at the Boy Scout Carnival
Supported by their dream fairy in training, Miss Blanche!

Scary Part of this particular night...They wanted me to paint faces.  Like carnival faces...I did okay, but there was some poor little boy that had a green line on his face that looked like a worm with teeth, posing as a crocodile that I feel really bad about!  

My favorite of the night was when we were kneeling down to have family prayer, I had just got home and hadn't had time to shower yet and my cousin Trevor who was visiting from California says

 "You CAN'T pray like that", 

but I did anyway!  

On my plate - 6.3.12

Literally because I don't even want to think of what is on my plate for next week.

I Love summer eating! I think I could live off of Salads and never get tired of it! Ever! I also love grilled food! Also eating in the back yard. All good things!

I know it's a full plate but it was fast Sunday - I think that deserves a pass on portion sizes!

Empty - 6.2.12

Empty Arms
Broken Hearts
Empty Today's
Promised Tomorrow's

Such a sweet memorial for a tiny man who touched so many lives without even taking a breath.

Morning 6.1.12

One of my favorite times of day is at 4:30 am. I love that it's a brand new day, usually without to many mistakes.

That hasn't been the case the last week. It might be because I have been working crazy crazy hours but still.

This picture served a reminder that sunrises still happen, even if my experience with mornings has been the small pictures on the sides. Unfortunately those are the times I am finally making it home from work.

Something Beautiful - 5.31.12

This morning was going to be great!  It had all the makings of a good morning, I woke up on time, and didn't even snooze through an hour.  I had some great thoughts and looked decent and was on time and was walking out the door when I got some pretty stinkin heartbreaking news, and there went the greatness of the day.  Someday's it just doesn't seem fair.  But, tonight I logged onto a least favorite place and saw this picture and my first thought was just that...Beautiful!

Copyright Richard K Webb

Beautiful to know that the sweet family in my prayers today have the promise of forever with their little boy.  Beautiful to know that I have that same promise if I start behaving myself.  Beautiful ... the ways he softens my stony heart and gives me hope.  Beautiful...The earthly reminders that we have to know that Heaven really isn't that far away.