“I did not know I had so many tears. I’ve tried to hide most of them. Not that I’m ashamed of tears, but seeing them in my eyes brings them too often to the cheeks of others and I wouldn’t spread sorrow too widely."

Title Quote by S. Michael Wilcox

One of my favorite music artists of all time is Hilary Weeks.  I have learned to love the honesty in her music.  In the last few weeks (hard to believe it will be 6 this week) I have been following her blog closely waiting for the release of her next cd.  Every once in a while she put snippets and parts of the songs that will be on that CD.  I have LOVED reading the stories of how the songs came to be.

Today I was particularly touched by the song she shared.  It's been a hard day.  Many Many Tears.  I didn't listen to the prompting to bear my testimony in sacrament meeting because I was scared.  I don't like crying in front of other people.  I don't do it very pretty, and usually I can't communicate when I do.  Sometimes I think I look like this when I do.    It's not that I know that people wouldn't love me if I just stood up there and cried, but let's be honest..I let my natural man take over and talk be out of it.  I guess I forgot that the spirit would be there to comfort and help me share my testimony.

The lesson today in Relief Society was on the Postmortal Spirit World.  I am sure on any other given day, I might have found comfort in that, but not today.  Today I selfishly just missed my Dad.  I am sure I was a great distraction as I sat in the class and sobbed for a bit.  I thought about walking out, but I didn't want to offend the sweet sister who was teaching, the same sweet sister who has lost her husband and son at the same time.  So I sat there. Dealing with this particular Gethsemane.  Crying my eyes out. Knowing that My Dad is happy, but wishing that I could run home from Church and call him on the phone. After the lesson a sweet sister who has always been such a comfort to me IMMEDIATELY came and found me, and just let me cry some more.  What a blessing she is to me. She often reminds me that there are many people waiting there to cry with me, that I don't have to do it alone.  I plan on reading the lesson again shortly, but today, I just can't do it.

After Church I went for a drive up Provo Canyon.  The World is beautiful out there, the colors are amazing, the air is wonderful. My Dad would have loved it...More tears, but also a small amount of peace came with this drive.

So back to the song. You just need to go to Hilary's blog and read about it.  It was a story that I need today.  I know that it's okay that I cry today, that these tears and this sorrow will eventually be bearable, that this isn't there home, but today...Today it's okay.