When I Can't Speak

Tonight, well...I just don't know. There are 9,072 things I need to be doing RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT, (I am leaving for Girls camp at 6 am on Monday morning) but I feel like I need to document some of the thoughts and feelings of my heart and life right now.


7 things....


Do you know how blessed I am? This week I have had some beyond amazing moments. It is amazing what you can see when you look for it. In part of my preparation for camp I have asked a few of the leaders and girls to be looking for ways that My Heavenly Father shows me He loves me. While this seems like a simple thing this has been an amazing experience. Do you want to know what some of those ways are: (Because I think some all of them are amazing)


I saw my Fathers love for me in the quite hours of 4:30 am when I was struggling with some Math homework and I just wasn't getting it, but after a simple simple prayer of "I NEED HELP" the heavens must have opened, and all of the sudden it clicked. I was able to finish my homework in speedy time restoring some home that I might actually make it through the week. ---On a side note, tonight I heard an amen to that experience during a conversation where the following song was mentioned.

I felt Heavenly Fathers love as He answered a very very direct and heartfelt prayer on behalf of someone who is very important in my life.  As hard as it has been for me in my life, there have been times, lots of them actually where my prayers have not been answered in either the way that I thought they needed to be, or at the time I wanted them.  This sometimes...well sometimes...okay honestly most times ends with me throwing some kind of temper tantrum.  I knew as I got up from my knees after my prayer on Tuesday morning that not only did Heavenly Father hear that prayer and the prayers of others who had been praying for the same thing but that my righteous desires and prayers would have a happy answer...What a blessing that was.  Honestly, I think the "Natural Bec" gets in the way to many times and I allow myself to hear or feel the answers.  I wish it wasn't so, but most of the times when I am saying my prayers it is with one eye open (Not literally, but kind of) thinking of all the things I still have to do before I run out the door (I might also add that I am probably already 15 minutes late at that point) or I am bobbing my head like the crazy musician who really gets into her music, you know the ones I am talking about...the ones you worry about hitting the piano with their head because they are moving so much - because I am so so tired.  Something I have on my list of things to work on.  


Another way that I saw my Heavenly Fathers love was letting me see pictures of beautiful sunsets that were in the works for years, but never hit me quite like they did one night.  I was able to go to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple with one of the sweet girls I was blessed to watch grow as I served in the young womens presidency. I felt the Love of the Father as I sat in the temple, knowing that My Heavenly Father knows me a lot better that I know me because He sees the Becca who will be, not the Becca who gets caught up in the lists of the places where I fall short in life.  My Heavenly Fathers sees me as a peacemaker (I know what you are thinking...I had to pick my mother up off the floor when she heard someone describe me using that word as well) My Heavenly Father sees me as a special daughter of His who sometimes gets lost, and sometimes has to try to solve the problem every possible way before she finally and very reluctantly turns for help.  But that night in the temple, my Heavenly Father saw me as his daughter who just needed to feel that it was going to be okay...Honestly, at this point in my life I do not know what okay is...Good things are in the works for me, Great things are in the works for me, but I know as I listened sweetly to what my ears would not hear I felt that sweet assurance.  

Another way that Heavenly Father showed His love for me was through some of my best friends.  Earlier in the week I was complaining in a prayer about how I just didn't know it was all going to get done with everything I wanted to do.  The thought I had was that I needed to simplify... I still hadn't decided that was really the right course of action.  After a long night of me complaining about how I had so much going on these sweet friends volunteered to help me, even when they aren't in my ward or in my calling.  They helped me because of Love...they helped me because they care, they helped me because that is who they are.  They helped me even after I offended them (Which I do often...Ladies I am sorry)...I thought that I had when I when I drove away....For Such a Time As This....


And fourth of all...yet another way that My Heavenly Father loves me is that He knows exactly what I need...I know I already said that, but seriously, He honestly knows.  Months ago I approached a friend about participating  in  event the last couple of days that it JUST WHAT I NEED.  I didn't know when I asked her about it that I was going to be called to help with girls camp, I did not know that I would finally follow the promptings to follow the Lord and quit my job without anything else lined up, I did not know that I would have yet another serious struggle because of others agency, and finally I did not know at that time back months ago that I would be ready to throw in the towel and just quit everything this week.  I think Heavenly Father knew...Actually I know He knew.  The event just happened to be the  TIME OUT that I needed.  Not only did I need to go to time out (Because I probably have done a lot of naughty stuff in the last few months that completely merit me going to time out) but I needed to go with some amazing ladies...

Stacy and I

The Group of Sweet Sisters...Even the adoptive one...
And check out that I am taller than Stacy ...heels are amazing
Cathryn, Kim, Me, Stacy

Kim, Stacy & I

Stacy was the very first friend I made in Utah.  She and I worked together right after I moved up to Utah, and she was amazing.  I can't tell you how many times I cried on her shoulder, she even let me get really mad when I needed to.  She helped me to see that I could be a good person, something I was seriously doubting at that time.  She filled a gap from a friendship that I lost because of my mistakes and bad choices. 

  
God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.  

Spencer W. Kimball

Today, as Mercy River sang "We All Need Saving" I felt my Heavenly Fathers love as I was reassured that Stacy and I were meant to help each other through some hard times together.  I knew my Father loved me today enough to send the me more "Ah Hah" moments as one of the presents sang a very special song that I am sure was written just for me, but it might apply to you as well.  

I am thankful that Heavenly Father won't give up on me.  I am thankful for the ways He shows me that He loves me.  I am thankful that He puts just the right people in my life, at exactly the right moment that I need them.   I am thankful that He is with me through my trials, that through those trials I can learn and grow and be better.  And something that I NEVER though I would say, I am thankful that He has given me this time to become, to become the best friend, wife, mother, person...the best Becca I can possibly be.  I am thankful He knows what is in my heart, even when I can't find the words to speak.  

And now, back to my list of 9,072 things I have to do before Monday 6 am.  Hope you are doing well!  

A Special Thank You,

Thank you to the men and women, sons and daughters, fathers and mothers that have sacrificed their special moments...

 so that I could have mine.

Happy Memorial Day

Day 8 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Killing two birds with one stone tonight... Remember back a few weeks ago when I gave a preview of a certain sledding adventure.  Well here it is, also covering a picture that makes me laugh.  I don't think I could have done the experience justice with just one picture, so I included a slideshow!

Story behind the pictures:  In February we went to my brother Jeremy's house for my nephew's baptism.  After the baptism and an unsuccessful trip to Wal Mart to find sleds we decided to improvise in order to have a fun filled afternoon of playing in the snow.  What makes a better sled than a bed liner for a pickup truck?? Nothing...Nothing at all actually.  Not only is it perfect for sledding, you can also plow snow and fit a whole lot more people into it!  We had a GREAT time.  There may or may not have been an incident where I fell out of the back of the sled, successfully taking out two children on the sleds behind the bed liner and removing my sisters shoe.  We had a great time, and even had a moment of temporary insanity where the older kids (including my brother) decided to ski on their boots in front of the "sled".  It was SO MUCH FUN!!  I don't think I had laughed that hard in a long time!

You know what they say....Go BIG or go home!

Hope you are doing well.  Sorry I haven't been keeping up on my 30 days, there has been a lot of traveling happening in my world.

Day 7 ~ A picture of your most treasured item.

It is hard to show a picture of something that I treasure so very much.  The thing that I would like to share with you is this:

One of most treasured items is not really a tangible item, but something that is so very much a part of my life.  It is my testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  This is something that I have come to treasure as I have suffered from my choices and the choices of others.  This is something that I have come to learn the hard way, through many many tears and trials.

"...Jesus would provide a way for us to be resurrected and, by His shouldering our punishment and guilt, a way to be cleansed.  However, those would not be the end of His gifts. He also took upon Himself our infirmities and sorrows.  He provided a way for us to be consoled through every trial. He suffered alone so that we would never have to do the same. Through His Atonement all of us can be covered, helped, comforted, and ultimately embraced." 

(Brad Wilcox, The Continuous Atonement, 47)

As I have come to learn that My Savior didn't only feel the pains of my sins, but also of my heartache in the garden of Gethsemane and then again on the cross I have gained a greater love.  I have felt not only the cleansing power of the atonement in my life, but on the days that I need it most, I have felt the healing power of the atonement. I have watched as He has helped me to change a broken and sad heart into a heart that could feel love once again.  When I think about what was felt for me I can't help but think of "Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me, enough to die for me"  Yes, it is wonderful, wonderful to me.

Day 6 ~ A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

A lady that I admire and would love to trade places for a day would be:

Wouldn't it be great to be her for a day! I know she has her fair share of challenges, but I would LOVE to have her wealth of knowledge and influence for a day. I would love to be able to have the spirit in my life they way that she does. 

In my dreams, I am often asked to give talks to young people and Sheri Dew knows who I am, 

kind of like the next Laurel Christensen. 

I know...Keep Dreaming! 

Quotes taken from Sister Dew's book "Saying It Like It Is"

Day 5 ~ A picture of your favorite memory.

Can I make an honest confession:  It seems like I have been doing a whole ton of that lately.  Here it is... I don't really have favorites.  I don't have favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite drinks...Maybe I am just weird.  So when you ask for a picture of a favorite memory, well I don't really have one and only favorite but I do have a lot of really great ones.  You might be involved in one or two of them.  Here is one I will share:

Well kind of, this isn't really me, but imagine me in it

This year I was BLESSED to get to spend my Thanksgiving Day at a homeless shelter, serving corn.  This was an extremely humbling experience for me that has changed my way of thinking and softened my hard heart.

One of the very most touching moments of the day happened when a little girl came through the line to get her dinner and started crying because she was so thankful that she got a roll that day.  A simple piece of bread.  I was trying hard to keep from crying my eyes out, but I looked at her sweet mother and just lost it.  I am sure it was quite the sight: Me crying, the little girl crying, and the mom crying.  I don't think for as long as I live I will ever forget that.

Day 4 ~ A picture of something you wish you could forget.

 A picture of something you wish you could forget.

This is actually been an very enlightening decision for me to do 30 days of myself.  Good experience.

Here is a picture of something I wish I could forget:

Okay, so it's hard to get a picture of this.  I wish I could forget all of the times I have disappointed and hurt people in my lifetime.  I don't think there is anything harder than dealing with that pain. Maybe, I don't want to forget that because after all those times have all been learning experiences for me.  Part of that learning has come from realizing that I can't fix everything, there are words I can't back, and actions I can't relive.  But...knowing the hurt that I caused has led me to decide that there are some things I will never do again.

To those of you who fall in this list, people who I have hurt or disappointed - I sincerely apologize.  I am sorry that my growth and learning had to come at your expense.  Please know that I am trying hard to not make your suffering in vain. Thank you for helping me to be a better person.

Have a good night.