For Every Situation...

Tonight I did something that was hard. Something I didn't realize I hadn't done. Something that brought tears.  Tonight I sang. Odd you might think, but let me explain. (go ahead and put your feet up, you know how long it takes me to get to the point sometimes.)

I grew up with music in my home. Thankfully I was raised with a love for music, and from the time I was very young I was singing.  As a family we sing on car rides, while cleaning, while doing homework, riding on a float in a parade, doing our chores, camping, you name it we sing at it. We even had a very special experience of singing "Dad's Songs" - songs that he taught us, in the back of the "old chev" during his last ride (on our way to the cemetery)

Dad's Last Ride - we ALWAYS sign "I Love You" to each other, never more fitting than that day. 

Singing: It is something we do in our family.  

Kind of a crazy fact about me, I always have a song in my head (Not always or even usually a hymn) and I spend so much of my time relating my life to the songs in my vast library of music. I loved this when I saw it:

because I totally feel this 99.2% of the time.

(back to tonight)

So because I grew up singing and because I always have music in my head, and because I feel like every situation in life can be related to a song, VERY OFTEN that is how I get my feelings out.  Now don't get me wrong, my poor piano has taken the beatings of my foul moods a lot in the last little bit, and I have sung at church and in the car, but  in the last 10 weeks and 5 days I haven't had any of those quiet moments where I set down in front of my piano and just sing my heart out. 

I guess I lost my voice. 

I know I lost my desire.

I think I am still a little lost on my way.

But tonight I needed to. I needed to sing. I needed to be able to hear and speak those thoughts and feelings of my heart.

So I tried. 

It was ugly. 

It was a mess. 

It was frustrating. 

As I had decided that there was a reason I wasn't singing anymore I pulled out one of my favorite books, by my favorite Alto, (by the way I have a terrible range, when I used to sing a lot it was decent, but now it is pathetic so I am always glad when there are female artists who are alto's who publish music), actually by one of my favorite artists period, Hilary Weeks. I was going to give it one more try, and if it sounded like a pack of wild dogs outside I was going to put away my books and vow to never sing again (Okay maybe not that dramatic). Actually deep down I was going to be extremely disappointed and down in the dumps because I really needed to let go of some thoughts in my head. 

I guess you could say the Heavens parted (not literally) because what happened next was a small blessing, a tender mercy moment for me.  I am not saying that I sang the best I have ever sung, because I probably didn't, but the spirit of the song allowed me to give my feelings a voice.  I got lost in the message that I was singing, and had several small "amens" to the words coming out of my mouth. I didn't care that I was in tears and had mascara dripping down my face, I didn't even care that I wasn't hitting every note perfectly. It was just a moment where I could be reassured that  I am not alone.  Here is the song:  

And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow,

And no human eyes can see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you. 

After I was done singing that song I closed the book. That was enough. I just sat there for a minute hoping that the windows in heaven were open so that my Dad could hear me sing. I think it would have made him smile.