Calm - 7.30.12

Tonight there is not much that is calm in my life.

Work is crazy trying to get everything ready for next month plus taxes are due tomorrow. And the bosses are gone still.

My head is going a million miles a minute OVER ANALYZING a dumb mistake I made this week that has left me feeling about 2 inches tall.

My heart is a little bit sad because there are so many people hurting right now. And also because I might just want to be in a different phase in my life.

But among the craziness of it all I know that the calm will come. Eventually. I often use the expression "it's fine" but there are times like today when it isn't fine no matter how you spin it, it's just not fine, but it is going to be better:. This is just one of those storms, but parts of it will pass, others will never go away. It's just one of those times where God won't calm the storm but He will calm the child and give her strength to make it through. Better. Changed. Calmed.

What Will I Do...

To say this week has been tough might be an understatment.  Maybe a huge one.  It's been hard for all of us I think - Us being my family.   The whole waterworks show started again every time I would log on to one of my least favorite places to see what my sisters had on their walls - Hannah and her silly shirt that I hope she always keeps - Heather missing Dad's help with a project she is doing - Shell had some really sweet pictures - I stole one of them from her. 

My Dad LOVED to cook...when it came to cooking in a dutch oven he was a master! 
He REALLY LOVED to cook breakfast for the hundreds of people every year at our family Reunion
I don't think that breakfast will EVER be the same, for anyone

 Several times this week in the middle of one of my many eye cleansing sessions I have had thoughts to remind me this isn't forever and with that came a small sense of comfort but as quickly as they would come my natural Bec - the one who just misses her Dad would start with the millions of questions.  Why - most of them all begin with why, but there were a few of the what's questions too...What do I need to start or stop doing so that this doesn't have to be forever, What would He tell me if He could call me on the phone, What will it be like to see him again...just to share a small few.

This week every one of my prayers have included something about asking to be able to feel the comfort of my Dad (Thanks Mig), and tonight I got a sweet text from a friend asking how I was doing and if I was going to be okay tomorrow (technically today right). When I told her I would make it through the day whether I wanted to or not she responded with another one of those comforting thoughts "I know your Dad is proud of you and is thinking about you as much as you think about and miss him. I am praying for you to feel him close" Isnt' it great when others are praying for what you think you need too.  Thank you Myndi.  I really appreciate all of you who are praying for us today. 

A few years ago for fathers day I got my Dad a picture that had the favorite quote:

This was how my Dad lived his life.  He didn't care about living in a mansion or driving a new car or the toys that others have.  My Dad cared about people.  He cared about his friends - regardless if they were in his 11 year old scout group or people he grew up with.  He cared about his family.  He cared about me. He wasn't perfect, we had our good share of fights and disagreements, and there were plenty of times when I didn't understand some of the things he did, but I always knew He loved me.  So, even if it is only my world - which I know it isn't - the world is a much better place because people were important to my Dad. 

 About 15 years (yikes) ago I heard a song that made me completely change some plans that I had been thinking.  You can think I am silly all you want, but bieng the planner that I am it was the song that I wanted to dance with my Dad to at my wedding.  That is the whole reason that I had one of the wierdest receptions and had a "program" at my reception was so that I could dance with my Dad to this song. 

And maybe it's not cool that I share this picture, because of the circumstances of everything, but if you don't think it's okay, just scroll down a little quickly. 

I wish I had the picture that was taken right after this to show here instead...It was a closeup of my Dad's face, I love it! 

Never had I imagined that the day that My dad would be gone would come so quickly into my life.  Every Day I still miss him, Every day I still have thoughts about calling him to ask him something, every day I still wish he was here to help me work my way through the latest mess I have created for myself (those seem to change daily).  But I am also trying to focus on becoming more like him focusing on the fact that no one was a stranger to my Dad, he would always talk to people wherever he went and when he was done with the conversation they usually felt like they had been talking to a friend.  That is something I want to be better about.  Working on it.  

So it's fathers day...Can I be too emotional and say - Don't take it for granted.  Those of you who still have your Dad's here, make sure they know how much you love them.  Someday you might have to experience your first fathers day without him - when all you want to do is call him up to tell him about your day, or a certain problem you need him to help you work through or simply just to say Hi.  You will wish you could send him that silly card that would make him smile.  You will want to just visit with him.

And to my sweet family: I often have to chuckle a little bit when I think of "He's Busy" ... Maybe that is because he is in a position where he can in some what communicate with some of his more stubborn children (I think I fall into that category - Stubborn that is).  I know that today will be a day of tears, and I say that is just fine.  But how lucky are we - lucky to know that we that promise of forever if we start living that way today.  We can do it...Dad's there helping us. 

“When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth,

they are not strangers,

but from the ranks of our kindred, friends, and fellow-beings and fellow-servants...

Our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters and friends who have passed away from this earth,

having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges,

may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again,

bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, or reproof and instruction,

to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh.”

(Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1970, pp. 435–36.)

Happy Fathers Day - Sending my love to heaven! 

Maybe...just maybe

So I guess I need to apologize to you Anna for not keeping up with my daily posts, but after working 60+ hours last week I didn't have much time. So much for being an active participate in my life huh...

But back to today...

It's been a rough afternoon, a rough evening, a rough night. It seems like 8i just can't get these darn tears to stop. Driving home tonight I got a little chuckle in the mix of the tears my thought:

Maybe Dads up there giving his famous "boo hoo hoo" that he always used to make us laugh when we would cry in sad movies or just to lighten the mood.

And that led to -

Maybe he is shaking his head thinking pull it together Bec, if you could only see the whole picture you wouldn't be crying about this.

And that led to -

Maybe, just maybe he is some corner of Heaven looking down on his girls, missing them too, crying his own tears.

And maybe I am crazy! That is still up for debate, all I know is that I miss him tonight. Just like everyday.

12 O'clock - 5.26.12

A million other things that I could/should be doing but right now I need a break.  I am supposed to be giving a talk in in Sacrament meeting in 22 hours. And I can't stop crying.  I haven't really been able to stop all week.  I decided I was going to give it my best effort today but after reading and crying and watching and listening I have one quote.  That's it.  Nothing else is sounding right.

The subject: Overcoming grief through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Yep.

The tears are in part because of the sadness of remembering, and in part because of the gratitude of realizing.

I am struggling with exactly what to say without saying too much.  Do I talk about how there are days when I am so sure that I will see my Dad again and have such hope for that day, or do I talk about how there are days when I am positive the sun is no longer shining and I simply do not want to get out of bed.  Do I talk about how I know the Lord is very much aware of me and has prepared my heart for this time in my life or do I talk about how entirely alone I feel wishing for a small piece of comfort.

Praying for a parting of the clouds for wisdom. Hoping it shows up soon, I am sure that no matter how slow I read I can't make one quote stretch out for 10 minutes.

And those who've been in darkness for a while...

Some days I don't get it. This week I have had several of those. I know, I know. I.KNOW. They won't last forever. They might not even last all day. But sometimes in those terribly hard moments I just don't think they will ever go away.

I had a couple of those moments last week too.  The first came when I was told I was over qualified for a position that I would have loved. Another came as I cried like a baby all the way through one of my favorite Christmas traditions "The Forgotten Carols".  I heard a little Amen in my heart when as part of the script Uncle John was talking about his beloved Sarah said something like "As much as I know that I will be with Sarah forever someday, I am often reminded that today is not that day" (At least that is what I heard...I have been wrong before).  That's how I feel on those "Some days". Full of hope for forever, but heart broke that it isn't is today.

This week I had so much hope to start the week.  It was going to be a great week!  It was going to be a week where I accomplished something great. A week I could be proud of myself. A week where my Dad could be proud. Monday was pretty amazing!  I even pretended to have the desire to decorate for Christmas...something I had to talk myself into for a bit. Sadly though, the rest of the week has been filled with more of those "Some day" moments.

Can I dodge the real responsibility that needs to be placed on me for those reasons and blame something else.  Thanks!  You may or may not know...I don't do medication. Not at all.  Well at least not for the most part.  There are some medications that I take (and looks like I will be on for the rest of my life) that I am okay with, they don't have to much of an effect on me.  But if you ever want to laugh so hard tears run down your legs (saw it on pintrest...chuckled a little) slip me a Tylenol. I will provide you with hours of entertainment. Back to the reason...On Tuesday morning I decided to start taking a new medication that my Dr. prescribed back in November but because I was scared how I would react I hadn't started taking yet.  Let's just say it's a good thing I waited.  Some of the side affects included: Hives (my neck broke out like crazy), extreme nausea, and sleep....Like 15 hours of it. Straight. Not a light, "I should wake up but I would rather not" sleep, but a cold, dead to the world, you're not waking me up if you try sleep.  With that sleep came some TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE nightmares.  Yes there were spiders dreams, but I had a couple that were even worse than that (Let's just say when I did wake up I had to check my phone to make sure I didn't make or receive the calls I dreamed about).

After cutting the dose in half, and then in half again, and then in half again (it was a pediatric dose to begin with). I am still struggling with the side affects.  Struggling is kind of an understatement.  I down right hate the stuff.  I am hoping it starts doing what it is supposed to REALLY REALLY SOON.

Anyway...I am blaming this for the majority of my "some day" moments this week.  But....Like usual, or rather always, this afternoon I stand corrected...well maybe not corrected, but humbled. Humbled that I do know that Forever will come some day, Humbled that I know that the darkness won't last forever, Humbled that sometimes I just need/have to hold on. Humbled that I have a loving Father in Heaven who loves me enough to allow me to struggle so that I can grow.

So today...I will wait for the light and enjoy it when it comes. I know it will, even if it is for just a moment.

   

For Every Situation...

Tonight I did something that was hard. Something I didn't realize I hadn't done. Something that brought tears.  Tonight I sang. Odd you might think, but let me explain. (go ahead and put your feet up, you know how long it takes me to get to the point sometimes.)

I grew up with music in my home. Thankfully I was raised with a love for music, and from the time I was very young I was singing.  As a family we sing on car rides, while cleaning, while doing homework, riding on a float in a parade, doing our chores, camping, you name it we sing at it. We even had a very special experience of singing "Dad's Songs" - songs that he taught us, in the back of the "old chev" during his last ride (on our way to the cemetery)

Dad's Last Ride - we ALWAYS sign "I Love You" to each other, never more fitting than that day. 

Singing: It is something we do in our family.  

Kind of a crazy fact about me, I always have a song in my head (Not always or even usually a hymn) and I spend so much of my time relating my life to the songs in my vast library of music. I loved this when I saw it:

because I totally feel this 99.2% of the time.

(back to tonight)

So because I grew up singing and because I always have music in my head, and because I feel like every situation in life can be related to a song, VERY OFTEN that is how I get my feelings out.  Now don't get me wrong, my poor piano has taken the beatings of my foul moods a lot in the last little bit, and I have sung at church and in the car, but  in the last 10 weeks and 5 days I haven't had any of those quiet moments where I set down in front of my piano and just sing my heart out. 

I guess I lost my voice. 

I know I lost my desire.

I think I am still a little lost on my way.

But tonight I needed to. I needed to sing. I needed to be able to hear and speak those thoughts and feelings of my heart.

So I tried. 

It was ugly. 

It was a mess. 

It was frustrating. 

As I had decided that there was a reason I wasn't singing anymore I pulled out one of my favorite books, by my favorite Alto, (by the way I have a terrible range, when I used to sing a lot it was decent, but now it is pathetic so I am always glad when there are female artists who are alto's who publish music), actually by one of my favorite artists period, Hilary Weeks. I was going to give it one more try, and if it sounded like a pack of wild dogs outside I was going to put away my books and vow to never sing again (Okay maybe not that dramatic). Actually deep down I was going to be extremely disappointed and down in the dumps because I really needed to let go of some thoughts in my head. 

I guess you could say the Heavens parted (not literally) because what happened next was a small blessing, a tender mercy moment for me.  I am not saying that I sang the best I have ever sung, because I probably didn't, but the spirit of the song allowed me to give my feelings a voice.  I got lost in the message that I was singing, and had several small "amens" to the words coming out of my mouth. I didn't care that I was in tears and had mascara dripping down my face, I didn't even care that I wasn't hitting every note perfectly. It was just a moment where I could be reassured that  I am not alone.  Here is the song:  

And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow,

And no human eyes can see what you're going through

When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do

He will lift your heavy load and carry you. 

After I was done singing that song I closed the book. That was enough. I just sat there for a minute hoping that the windows in heaven were open so that my Dad could hear me sing. I think it would have made him smile. 

Because We Have Today...(Nothing Wordless About it)

Can I tell you a secret...Okay it's not really a secret, especially if you know me.  I LOVE MUSIC. Tonight I had a particularly amazing musical experience, one that I plan on talking about for a long while, but I it brought some thoughts that I just feel like need to be shared.  With that said...YOU NEED TO GO BUY HILARY WEEKS NEW CD!!! Buy it now, it will make more sense when I talk about it later.  And if you buy it before October 29th you save some $$.  Who doesn't love that!  Back to the post:

8 weeks ago my life changed. 

It changed completely.

It changed Forever.

It has been the most difficult change I have ever faced.  

I was in the second week of my fall semester, sitting in the middle of an institute class, talking about how the gospel of Jesus Christ gives us the strength to endure to the end, when my phone buzzed letting me know I had a new text message. Of course I ignored it and thought it was no big deal, the class was almost over.

As I stood up to leave the Institute building and head back up the hill to my next class I started reading the message. Honestly I didn't get it. I couldn't comprehend it.

Accident

Dad

Helicopter

CPR

I immediately called my sister Heather who had sent the text, both she and I were in tears and then came the uncontrollable screams. My Dad was gone.

Over the last 8 weeks there have been many miracles and tender mercies in our family, but there have also been some extremely hard challenges that we have been faced with.

One of the hardest of those challenges for me was realizing that I didn't get to tell my Dad goodbye.  I took for granted the fact that He would always be there, anytime I needed Him.  Almost daily I realize yet another area where I counted on my Dad, where I needed his opinion, where I depended on His inspiration.  Again, almost daily I have the thought to call Dad, but making that call isn't possible now.  Every day I still miss Him, I still cry, and it's still hard.  I know that my life is never going to be the same.

When I was on my way to Arizona the night I lost my Dad I remember sending a text message to my friend Drew, asking him how I was supposed to get through this.  His response is something that I have to remind myself on an almost daily basis "Take deep breaths, be thankful for the family that you do have, and spend time serving them"  Honestly, one of the best tidbits of advice I have received, something that it brought to mind A LOT. Of course, I am a pro at the deep breaths at this point, but still struggling with the gratitude and serving, but something I am working at.  (Thanks again Drew)

Back to Tonight... I went to the release concert for Hilary Weeks new cd "Every Step". (THANK YOU KALEB)  In the middle of all of her FABULOUS new stuff she pulled out this "oldy but goody" as she called it.  "If I Only Had Today", (you can listen to it by clicking on the music player on my sidebar on the left - it's the first song). Of course my first thought was that sad rememberence that I didn't get to say goodbye to Dad, but as Hilary continued to sing my heart was softened a bit. Instead of thinking "wo is me" I was filled with a sweet comfort and the thoughts Drew shared with me came back into my head...."spend time serving them".

Because of the experiences of the last 8 weeks my today's mean so much more.  I am trying not to take the people who I hold dear for granted.  I would like to think I am more patient, more forgiving, more loving.  More eager to serve those around me, and slower in making rash judgments. I am trying to be more grateful for the small blessings in my life-the hugs, the smiles, the simple hello's. Because of the last 8 weeks I am trying to be more prayerful and spend more "knee time" asking how I can be an instrument in the Lord's hands and then following the promptings given. Because I have today, I am trying to be more like my Dad, more tenderhearted, more Christlike. Because I have today, I am trying to live the kind of life he would want me to live.

So can you do me a favor? 

 Because you have today... 

take that few minutes and tell your Dad you love him, do something kind for your Mom, spend some time with your kids, call that sister, text that nephew.  Let someone know how much you appreciate them in your life.  Do those things that you have on your "someday list"

  Remember that today is our gift and we never know when we won't have them anymore. 

“A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.”

Forest E. Witcraft

I think that can be said if we are important in the life of anyone. 

 If I Only Had Today

Hilary Weeks

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets

and stared at a thousand full moons

Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever

and sometimes it all feels brand new.

I could never count the heartbeats

from the day I was born until now

But not a single one goes unnoticed 

by Him who breaths life in me somehow.  

But If there were no more tomorrows

I knew that I could not stay

I know how I'd spend every minute,

If I only Had today.

I'd hold you and listen 

I'd let the dishes set in the sink.

I'd tell you I love you over and over

and for once I'd just let the phone ring. 

Then I'd remind you of forever 

and how our love would never change

If I only had today.

I'd wake up before the sun did

and I'd watch as you quietly sleep

I'd pray for time to move slowly

knowing the moment won't keep

All the gifts that heaven has given

every blessing that's come my way

Wouldn't mean anything without you

So if I only had today...

I'd hold you and listen 

I'd memorize every detail of your face

I'd tell you I loved you over and over

I wouldn't let excuses get in the way.

Then I'd remind you of forever 

and how our love would never change

If I only had today.

There's no time like the present

Life doesn't come with any guaranties

The sun will set, time won't wait

so while I have today...

I'll hold you and listen

I'll let the dishes set in the sink.

I'll tell you I love you over and over

For once I'd just let the phone ring. 

I'll remind you of forever 

and how our love will never change

Because I have today.

Because I have today. 

How thankful I am for all of the WONDERFUL Memories of yesterday's that help me get through the Today's without my Dad.  

I Love You Dad. 

“I did not know I had so many tears. I’ve tried to hide most of them. Not that I’m ashamed of tears, but seeing them in my eyes brings them too often to the cheeks of others and I wouldn’t spread sorrow too widely."

Title Quote by S. Michael Wilcox

One of my favorite music artists of all time is Hilary Weeks.  I have learned to love the honesty in her music.  In the last few weeks (hard to believe it will be 6 this week) I have been following her blog closely waiting for the release of her next cd.  Every once in a while she put snippets and parts of the songs that will be on that CD.  I have LOVED reading the stories of how the songs came to be.

Today I was particularly touched by the song she shared.  It's been a hard day.  Many Many Tears.  I didn't listen to the prompting to bear my testimony in sacrament meeting because I was scared.  I don't like crying in front of other people.  I don't do it very pretty, and usually I can't communicate when I do.  Sometimes I think I look like this when I do.    It's not that I know that people wouldn't love me if I just stood up there and cried, but let's be honest..I let my natural man take over and talk be out of it.  I guess I forgot that the spirit would be there to comfort and help me share my testimony.

The lesson today in Relief Society was on the Postmortal Spirit World.  I am sure on any other given day, I might have found comfort in that, but not today.  Today I selfishly just missed my Dad.  I am sure I was a great distraction as I sat in the class and sobbed for a bit.  I thought about walking out, but I didn't want to offend the sweet sister who was teaching, the same sweet sister who has lost her husband and son at the same time.  So I sat there. Dealing with this particular Gethsemane.  Crying my eyes out. Knowing that My Dad is happy, but wishing that I could run home from Church and call him on the phone. After the lesson a sweet sister who has always been such a comfort to me IMMEDIATELY came and found me, and just let me cry some more.  What a blessing she is to me. She often reminds me that there are many people waiting there to cry with me, that I don't have to do it alone.  I plan on reading the lesson again shortly, but today, I just can't do it.

After Church I went for a drive up Provo Canyon.  The World is beautiful out there, the colors are amazing, the air is wonderful. My Dad would have loved it...More tears, but also a small amount of peace came with this drive.

So back to the song. You just need to go to Hilary's blog and read about it.  It was a story that I need today.  I know that it's okay that I cry today, that these tears and this sorrow will eventually be bearable, that this isn't there home, but today...Today it's okay.