I don't get it...

I don't get why there has to be letters in my math - when I was learning to count my mom never taught me 2x + 3y.  I also don't get why someone who wants to teach business and marketing to high school kids needs to take 3 science classes.  I don't get how the street lights know when I am running late - it seems they all turn red at the wrong time on those days.  I don't get people's metobolism... why is it that one person can eat a 27 course meal and not gain an ounce and others of us smell food and gain 5 pds.  I don't get how My mom always knew when I had done something wrong.  I don't get why I did not come with a built in filter - it would save me a lot of hassle, it seems like I am always pulling my foot out of my mouth.

Other things I don't get are how some women can walk away from their darling little children to pursue a less complicated life.   I don't get why some women who want so desperately to have kids can't seem to get them. I don't get how easily we can give up on the people we love.  I don't get how some of the guilty people always seem to get all the breaks.  I don't get why there has to be that one scene or one word in great movies that just ruin the whole thing just to get a rating.

Probably most importantly though... I don't get how after all of the terrible mean things I do and all of the mistakes I make on a daily basis I have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who still love me.  I don't get all of the particulars of the atonement but I am and will forever be grateful for the eternal blessings that have come to me because of that event.  What I do get is that My Heavenly Father Loves me, He hears my prayers, and that He cares and knows my heartbreaks.  How thankful I am for that!

a window into...

So here's the deal... I would consider myself a pretty private person - for the most part.  Part of that is because I like to think of myself as an fierce independent person who doesn't need anyone to worry about her.  Part of that is because there is a small (yet crazy) part that often feels like if people want to know they can ask and really who cares about the craziness that is me - ?!?!...Yikes - I just admitted that, but I am working on fixing both problems.

But today - - well today I am going to throw open the window of my life a little - go out on a limb - open up my sharing circle and give you a small glimpse into my life right now - feel free to leave this blog now, I am not sure exactly how interesting it may be...

Throughout my life I have lived in 7 different towns - including the one place I said I would NEVER EVER live.  I have had 10 real grown up jobs - some of them have been as fun as selling pigs and tires to the crazy Accountant/HR Manager/Customer Service Manager/Office Manager (Yes all of those at one time).

I have held the title of Daughter, Sister, Friend, Cousin, Aunt, Wife and then Ex-Wife (honestly forget these sometimes), Teacher, Queen of the neighborhood, meanest girl I have ever met, boss, and slave.  My Dad went Home a year and a half ago and I still miss him everyday - even though I know He is okay and Happy.

 I don't cry as much as some people think I should, and sometimes I think I am way to emotional for my own good.

 I have a strong dislike for fuzzy fruit (peaches, apricots....) and tomatoes but I love love love Chocolate.  I collect cookbooks but my cooking skills - well, my food board on pinterest is called "if only my cooking were edible".  Currently I live with family but spend a lot of time dreaming of how I am going to decorate my next home.

I have run a marathon in the past but the thought of walking around the block kind of makes me want to pass out.  I have been labeled by almost everyone who really knows me as a workaholic and am guilty of having no balance in my life. (working on this one...seriously working on it).  

I used to dream about teaching High school, and now I am completely satisfied teaching Sunday School to a group of great teenagers.  While I really like my current job my dream job would be to be an event planner.  I have felt like I could be a motivational speaker in the past, but sometimes get scared talking to people. 

 I love music - most types and I think I surprise most people when Techno music comes across my radio.  I am most happy when I see those around me happy.  I love taking naps.

I sometimes get sad because I may not get the opportunity to bear children in this life but feel extremely blessed when I have an abundance of "mothering" opportunities in my life. I am a control freak and struggle with OCD, but there have been times in the past where I had to bribe my siblings to come clean my house for me.  I have loved and been loved.

Although sometimes I get frustrated because my life hasn't turned out the way that I planned, I find peace in knowing that it is turning out exactly the way that my Heavenly Father planned.  And did I mention - I am pretty stinkin lucky!  Cause I am! 

Daring Myself

So it's been a while, a really long while since I have done anything on this here blog.  Sure I have wanted to, sure I have logged in a bazillion times to actually blog but obviously that hasn't happened.  I always thought that I needed to play this major game of catch up, but the truth of the matter is... well I can't, and I think subconsciously I might not want to.  Don't worry, the events of the last ...um way to many months have been recorded, just not here.  But moving forward...

I am a Huge fan of the LDS Author and speaker, Brad Wilcox, in several of his talks he describes a person who realizes that they have done something wrong and they say in frustration "I will never do that again", and then they do, and then they again say "I will never do that again" and then again they do...  Anyway, this cycle goes on and while the rest of the story doesn't really matter for this post that is kind of how I have felt about this blog.  I started this as a way for me to recognize and remember and share just how great my life is.  Just how many things are right in my world... Well at different times in the past I have decided to take those challenges, you know the ones..."30 days to a happier blog", "30 days to know yourself better blog" each time I started I would have this little pep talk with myself about how this time I was going to be better about it, and then just like the story above I would make it through the first day beautifully - the second day, well that is when it became a little more challenging.  To toot my own horn for 3 seconds I do think I made it through day 5 on one of those challenges, but it may have taken me 3 weeks to do it :)  Any who...

Today I am daring myself.... Daring myself to open my eyes again to all the GREATNESS that is every where in my life - because whether I chose to see it or not.  Life is good.  Really good.  I am daring myself to spend time focusing, changing, growing and becoming that person I want to be.  I am daring myself to be Awesome.  I am daring myself to be happy.  I am daring myself to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good aunt, a good friend. I am daring myself to not be afraid to be me.  Maybe you will see some of the fruits of those dares here, hopefully you will!

Ease

The condition of comfortable or relieved...

...Something I am usually not.

I have to admit I am a worrier. I worry about being late for things (it doesn't mean that I make it their on time). I worry about what others think of me. I worry about being enough, or doing enough. I sometimes worry that I don't say enough and other times I worry that I have said too much. I even worry about people worrying about me - surely they have better things to worry about right.

So the concept of ease is kind of something on the horizon for me. It's on my list of "somedays". I am not really sure why I have put it on that list. It's not like one of these days I am just going to wake up and all of those things that I find difficult or stressful those things that keep me from finding "ease" will just be one.

So here's my plan...start today. Today I an decide to stop worrying about one thing. I can decide to not focus on the difficult of one particular situation. I can live more simply. I can decide to let go of the things I can't control and even if its just for a brief moment I can have a feeling of "ease".

Day 3 - top 5

I am exercising my right to not post what I "should" be for this silly 30 day blog challenge but here's the deal... I have this little goal thingy in my head - I haven't really committed to it yet but I am getting closer 😄. Anyway, it has to do with positive thinking so starting a day off focusing on my top 5 pet peeves just seems like a contradiction to that. So instead here is a different top 5:

Top 5 things that make me happy:

Not in any particular order (probably not even the top 5 but 5 nonetheless)

1. Flannel sheets - even though I don't sleep in a bed there is just something so comforting about curling up under a flannel sheet.

2. My alarm clocks - yep that's plural. I have quite the collection and I currently set 3 different clocks to wake me up every morning. They are all different and after I get over the annoyance of it being time to wake up they make me smile. My favorite first thing laugh in the morning is when I am running to shut the alarm off in the bathroom before it wakes the whole house up. Because of my crazy sleeping habits I lock myself in my room every night to help me keep from sleep walking. So the race is always to get the bedroom door unlocked and make it to the clock before it gets to one particular setting that well lets just say its a little bit redneck. 😜

3. Black pepper popcorn. So I like pepper. A lot. Probably too much. On everything. Including my fruits. But...my world is now complete because two of my favorites have been combined. Black Pepper and popcorn what's not to love. Thank you Orville!

4. Have I done any good music video. Because I am on my phone right now and not my laptop and my brain is not quite functioning yet I am not going to frustrate myself by trying to post the video here, but I am kind of obsessed with this arrangement. It has been a mood changer on many occasions! How can you not be happy when hearing the fun-ness of this song. (you tube...Alex Boye & Carmen Rasmussen have I done any good)

5. The quite reminders...okay this one is in the top 5 for reals maybe even the top 2. You know those days when you just feel like giving up all together...so I might have had a few of those but I am always so grateful when in those dark and sad moments the sun comes up through the kindness of those around me. It shines in the sisters text, in the friends silly comments, on the buddy who takes time to be real with you. The sun shines in the small expression of gratitude, in the lifting of others. Those are my favorites - all those gentle reminders that no matter how much I think I am or want to be alone it's not happening cause there are some amazing people in my life.

Day 2 - In 10 years

Sadly enough if someone had asked me 10 years ago where I wanted to be today my answer would probably be pretty close to what it is now, well except 10 years ago I had an important piece of the puzzle that is now M.I.A.  but to avoid being a depressing blog lets get real here...Go ahead, kick off your shoes, lets have a "sharing circle" as some of my best and dearest friends like to call it.

10 years ago life was completely crazy - to save all of the drama of remembering we will just keep it simple and say my family was struggling.  We had tons of heartbreak in 2002.  I never thought I could ever be happy again.  I remember thinking that the sun was never going to shine again.  But surprisingly enough, I was able to see the sun again.  I remember during one extremely difficult time at the end of 2002 going for a drive and screaming at the top of my lungs to the heavens asking Heavenly Father to "cut it out"  - looking back I am pretty sure there was a lightening cloud directly over my head.  BUT - just like any kind and loving Father would do after my ranting and raving I don't think I will ever forget the feelings that I got after that moment.  And to "trifle not" lets just say I walked away from that crazy experience knowing that somehow someday every thing was going to be alright.  I knew that I had to be patient because that time might not be while I am on this earth, but I knew it would all work out.

And fast forward to 10 years after that...Here we are in 2012.  Some of those things that I was so worried about have worked out and are alright - better than I imagined.  For instance - I have been richly blessed by having a new sweet sister in law and a darling niece that I never would have imagined 10 years ago.  There have been many many tender mercies that I have received in the last 10 years that I never would have imagined.  But....it hasn't all been a sunshine and flowers.  There have still been days of profound sorrow and heartache, and still even days when I am pretty sure that sun is never going to shine again.  But I know something that I didn't know or rather didn't realize at the start of 2002.  It's going to be alright.  It really is.

One of my favorite methods of torture to my family when I was a little girl was watching the video "I'll build you a rainbow" over and over and over again on Sundays.  But now, today, those words mean so much to me and so often come to mind.  Not only is my Earthly Father up in heaven building rainbows to remind me of his love and watching over me, but just as He has always done I have a Heavenly Father who builds rainbows, heals hearts, gives me strength to make it through the daily doubts and fears...Fathers who are happy in Heaven watching over their little girl.

So looking forward to 10 years from now and where I want to be.  In 10 years I want to be able to look back at 2011 - 2012 and know that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is.  I want to be happy.  I want to know that there is a purpose for me here on this earth.  I want to know I am helping to lift someone else load and make the world a better place.  And in those 10 years I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have my lifelong dream come true - to have a couple of sweet little kiddos who call me mommy, with their Daddy who adores me and helps me find the strength to slay the dragons that may come.  A girl can dream can't she ?!?  But if not I still have the worlds favorite Aunt title to work towards, and that will keep me plenty busy.


Sorry....ranting...maybe I just need to make this private so you guys don't know just how crazy I really I am.

Day 1 - I understand

I Understand.  This is a phrase I have desperately tried to remove from my frequent vocabulary.  Especially when talking to other people about situations that they are going through.  I know we all have the best intentions when saying it to each other but there have been times when the inner devil in me wants to just argue with the kind person who has said it to me.

I heard it constantly when I was struggling with infertility.  The times that it stung the worst was when a sweet mother who was holding her fourth or fifth child would tell me "I understand" how hard it is for you to not be able to have children.  Really.  Because you know how hard it is to see loving moms adoring their children and knowing that for whatever reason you can't join them?

Another time when it has been repeated was when my Dad passed away.  I think that was the time I truly despised it.  Sweet kind people would come and tell me how they understood the pain I was feeling...

OKAY OKAY... This is not meant to be the bitter rantings of a crazy lady so I am going to stop and explain.  I am not trying to wrongfully judge those who have so kindly taken the time to express their concern for me or my situation.  Even though I just made it sound like I hated all of the well wishing and encouragement that came with all those "I understands" it's not true.  I feel extremely blessed by all of those who have taken their time to try to lift me up, to help me see that the sun will shine again in my life.  Here is my conclusion though:  We all feel differently, We all deal differently.  We all have different backgrounds, different Gethsemane's.  Because of this there is only one person who truly knows who truly understands exactly what we are going through.  Surely we all know something of loss, of heartache, of disappointment but I don't think there is anyway we can truly understand exactly how deep those heartaches are for each other.  All the while - how blessed we are - how blessed I am to be surrounded by those tender hearts who are willing to patiently wait as I try to understand just exactly the why's and what's of life.  I am grateful for those who understand that I don't want to be a human porcupine but sometimes it's safer and easier to push everyone away.  While I don't understand the reasons why I have been so blessed to have all of the wonderful blessings in my life-I remain grateful that I do.